FWIW there might be a little TMI in the following posts. If you've read my blog very long you probably wonder why I don't start most of my posts that way. Probably because I don't usually remember to - lol.
Been in my new job for about two months now. It's honestly a bit boring, simply because I'm not doing a great job of pestering the guy that needs to be walking me through what I'm supposed to do. But he's got more work to do than time and has a lot of short-term priorities and deadlines that he has to meet... and I don't want to drag him down to train me. So, I'm tired by the end of the day (simply because the day tends to drag). BUT. Interestingly enough? I'm not as exhausted as I usually am every day. My old job (being quite stressful and interesting and challenging) the days just flew by. I would look up and go - wait, what? it's time to go home? Really? ... but I'd walk in the door and collapse in a heap. I'm still tired at night; but it isn't quite the same bone-weary tired; can't move a muscle tired. And I'm finding the weekends, I'm still tired and laying down most of the weekend; but there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Where every weekend seems like I have a smidge more energy available to me. Now, if I can just get things to pick up at work so that time doesn't crawl so slowly? I think things might even improve more.
And that's not all. Along the bowel issue front? I've gone from having the diahrrea issue about 20 days out of 30 down to 2 days out of 30. And believe me, that is GREATLY APPRECIATED. Admittedly, the change wasn't immediate and wasn't overnight. It started improving after the Hysterectomy. And really hasn't shown any backsliding.
It's probably too soon to know for sure; but I haven't had any episodes of pluerisy since Christmas evening. So, a good three weeks now. I'm not thinking I'm out of the woods, but am extremely thankful for a bit of a break at least.
Chronic pain is still hanging around. But honestly? All told. It might have been the thing that the doctors all focused in on; of all my symptoms it's the one that I don't really care if it doesn't get better. If I didn't spend most of my down time in bed due to fatigue and the rest of it on the pot due to the diahrrea; the fact that I have a few aches and pain is really the last thing I'm worried about. I'm still not back to where I want to be. But I really do think things are finally starting to get a little more like I might have a chance to pull out of this.
Funny... that. I was reading some slightly older posts around the time I was thinking of looking for a new position. I was wanting to get healthier so I would feel comfortable looking. I ended up applying for my current position mostly so I could get some practice interviewing again since it had been so long since I'd been through it. Didn't expect to find a job that I would want to take... let alone a position being offered to me. Little did I realize that stumbling into this position has probably helped improved my health some.
I always knew that stress was bad for your health. BUT I've ALWAYS had stress. And while I have had a stressful job and been through some stressful things these last couple of years... the truth is my poor health kicked off a lot fo that stress. I really didn't think my job that I truly did love (even if I didn't love working for the people I worked for) was making things worse.
My manager happened to mention during the team meeting this week that he had gotten most everything ready for reviews. I knew he'd asked me last week for my former manager's name - and I asked an innocent question "Does that mean you were able to reach out to X?"... he said yes. Then I asked a snarky question "Did you manage to get a response?" (considering the guy wouldn't answer emails, phone calls, nor IMs the entire time I worked for him and was NEVER at his desk... ).
Yes, yes he did manage to get ahold of him. And then he shared some news that made me smile. "I got a hold of him right away, but I struggled a bit to get what we needed so we could do your review. I ended up escalating several levels within the department and then I went outside the department to apply a little leverage. But I was able to get what I needed to be able to take care of you. I didn't want to leave you short."
... Cross our fingers, but I think this means that not only am I going to get my raise and promotion that we had discussed when they gave me this job offer? But I might even get a small portion of my bonus that I should have earned last year but that I'm pretty certain my department manager would try to find a way to prevent me from getting. Since I was bonus eligible for 10 1/2 months. I should be able to get a pro-ration of the bonus for the deparment for that length of time. But I was pretty sure they were going to try to keep me from getting it. I am SO glad I'm not in that department any more.
Between his comments and the fact that I'm seeing health improvements that I haven't seen in over three years? I'm thinking I've found a much better place to work for me. Plus he's always bringing up work/life balance when he's talking with my coworkers who tend to put in extra hours.
We had a quarterly department meeting last week. It was really focused mostly on Thank Yous for the last year and what had gotten done. Additionally one of the things they showed was Q12 results. Q12 is a twelve-question survey that measures team member's engagement. It's not specific to my company. Many companies use the tool. Basically the have the employees take the survey every year. Compare rankings across industries, across the company, across the departments. I find it very telling that on a scale of 1 to 5 where 5 is extremely engaged and an almost impossible to meet metric. That my old department was running around a 3.3 and dropping. My new department runs at around a 4.6. Nearly the highest in the company. If I end up interviewing again for another transfer? I'm going to quiz them on their Q12 results I think.... because based on my experience in this department? I don't want to go back to a lower score... nor a department where employees feel that the longer they are there the less they contribute/feel engaged.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Monday, January 09, 2012
More not great news... along with some maturing
"A" is still making mistakes... but I think he's finally reached a new level of maturity. He messed up in November and went in to his parole officer for his session; and while not over the limit (like last time) ... he blew a .02 on the breathalizer. At 23, he's not allowed to drink at ALL for probation. He's going in today to start 45 days in county.
But, he's come around a long way since the last "mistake". He's planned ahead and his girlfriend has all the things he needs ready to be dropped off with him (instead of begging me to bring him things he needs). He's purchased phone cards ahead of time. His attitude is resolute that he'll get through this and come out the better for it in the end. He's determined to get off of parole ASAP... and while he's felt that way for a long time; this is the first time he's actually made a plan for how to do it.
His gf gets a lot of credit for this. She's become quite firm in what she expects out of him and screwing up again isn't something she's going to let him do.
I'm still feeling quite useless and frustrated that it's taking him so long to come to terms with life and get his act together. But, every time I turn around right now. I'm seeing glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel. He's getting some of this stuff figured out.
Now, how do I bribe her into talking him into going to college? LOL
But, he's come around a long way since the last "mistake". He's planned ahead and his girlfriend has all the things he needs ready to be dropped off with him (instead of begging me to bring him things he needs). He's purchased phone cards ahead of time. His attitude is resolute that he'll get through this and come out the better for it in the end. He's determined to get off of parole ASAP... and while he's felt that way for a long time; this is the first time he's actually made a plan for how to do it.
His gf gets a lot of credit for this. She's become quite firm in what she expects out of him and screwing up again isn't something she's going to let him do.
I'm still feeling quite useless and frustrated that it's taking him so long to come to terms with life and get his act together. But, every time I turn around right now. I'm seeing glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel. He's getting some of this stuff figured out.
Now, how do I bribe her into talking him into going to college? LOL
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Stinkin' Pluerisy
Four bouts of Pluerisy in the past two and a half weeks.
Sigh.
Good news is that "A" is able to help use a chiropractive move to help alleviate the pressure from a hiatal hernia which seems to be partially at the root of some of the issue.
More good news (or not) is that vomitting seems to take care of the rest of it.
I don't really like to vomit. In fact, I can remember quite a few times of thinking that if I could vomit I would probably feel better; then going quite a ways out of my way to try to avoid it.
The pain from the pluerisy is massive. And the nausea and stomach pain is horrendous. Vomitting makes it all go away... eventually. Did I mention I hate to vomit?
It's not like I really have much say in the matter, when it comes down to it. You combine extreme pain with stomach upset and things kind of take care of themselves. But I am learning to not fight it quite as much and give into it.
Last I've talked to was ER doctors only; and they were all convinced that the hiatal hernia has nothing to do with the pluerisy. But, I'm now completely convinced that the pluerisy starts about two minutes after stomach upset from the hiatal hernia. Treatment for the hernia is trying to adjust eating behavior first, then perhaps surgery if that doesn't work. So, I'm focusing on trying to eat very small meals every two hours; sleeping at a 45 degree angle. Anything I can do to avoid kicking off stomach/heartburn issues.
I see my regular doctor on Jan 20th; which is a ways away. If I can get it to stop the attacks on my own before then, all the better. If I can't at least I can tell him what I've been doing so we can start planning next steps.
... you know me.... even if I don't have a solution, if I have a plan, I feel better.
In the meantime, I am about five weeks in on the new job. I have had next-to-no training because everyone has been on PTO for the most part; but I've still been able to contribute an itty-bitty-bit. I am now bored to tears for the most part; but expect that to change with the new years. I figure that I can just use the down time I have right now to recharge my batteries after wearing myself out in the old position. With my constant fatigue, I don't feel great right now; but I do feel much better than I have in a long time... so it does seem to make a difference.
On the kid front... "a" had a great Christmas. "A" had an ok Christmas... but he also got to experience things a little bit from a different perspective this year. He's living with his new gf who has a four year old son. And he went out of his way to make sure that little boy had an awesome holiday. He and I have chatted (a little) about it; and I truly feel that while I certainly made some mistakes in raising him; that one of the things I did well was to "gift" him a wonder for Christmas that he's dying to share. That... that I did right. I was really proud of how he tried to surprise both his gf and her son and give them a really special holiday.
Sigh.
Good news is that "A" is able to help use a chiropractive move to help alleviate the pressure from a hiatal hernia which seems to be partially at the root of some of the issue.
More good news (or not) is that vomitting seems to take care of the rest of it.
I don't really like to vomit. In fact, I can remember quite a few times of thinking that if I could vomit I would probably feel better; then going quite a ways out of my way to try to avoid it.
The pain from the pluerisy is massive. And the nausea and stomach pain is horrendous. Vomitting makes it all go away... eventually. Did I mention I hate to vomit?
It's not like I really have much say in the matter, when it comes down to it. You combine extreme pain with stomach upset and things kind of take care of themselves. But I am learning to not fight it quite as much and give into it.
Last I've talked to was ER doctors only; and they were all convinced that the hiatal hernia has nothing to do with the pluerisy. But, I'm now completely convinced that the pluerisy starts about two minutes after stomach upset from the hiatal hernia. Treatment for the hernia is trying to adjust eating behavior first, then perhaps surgery if that doesn't work. So, I'm focusing on trying to eat very small meals every two hours; sleeping at a 45 degree angle. Anything I can do to avoid kicking off stomach/heartburn issues.
I see my regular doctor on Jan 20th; which is a ways away. If I can get it to stop the attacks on my own before then, all the better. If I can't at least I can tell him what I've been doing so we can start planning next steps.
... you know me.... even if I don't have a solution, if I have a plan, I feel better.
In the meantime, I am about five weeks in on the new job. I have had next-to-no training because everyone has been on PTO for the most part; but I've still been able to contribute an itty-bitty-bit. I am now bored to tears for the most part; but expect that to change with the new years. I figure that I can just use the down time I have right now to recharge my batteries after wearing myself out in the old position. With my constant fatigue, I don't feel great right now; but I do feel much better than I have in a long time... so it does seem to make a difference.
On the kid front... "a" had a great Christmas. "A" had an ok Christmas... but he also got to experience things a little bit from a different perspective this year. He's living with his new gf who has a four year old son. And he went out of his way to make sure that little boy had an awesome holiday. He and I have chatted (a little) about it; and I truly feel that while I certainly made some mistakes in raising him; that one of the things I did well was to "gift" him a wonder for Christmas that he's dying to share. That... that I did right. I was really proud of how he tried to surprise both his gf and her son and give them a really special holiday.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
A couple of months later....
There have been a few health improvements; and not-so-much issues post-surgery.
I'm still having pluerisy attacks, not as frequent as before.... but intense, none the less.
Next to last one stunk the worst - I was driving home from Iowa City with "a" after he spent the weekend with dad. On Interstate 80, I got hit by a wave of pain... tried to drive through it for the first five minutes or so; before the dizziness become overwhelming. Pulled onto an off ramp; and sat there for 20 minutes trying to decide what to do.
I broke down and called an ambulance because I couldn't sit by the freeway for hours even though I was pretty sure that there wouldn't be anything the hospital could do for me... but felt pretty desparate and uncomfortable.
***
In the meantime, there hasn't been anything exciting or fun going on in my life for a bit. I've been struggling and frustrated at work - but didn't want to spend time venting.
My mid-year review came along after two co-workers nominated me for a special recognition at work for service excellence. And I got rated barely above mediocre by my manager. Another symptom of being under appreciated. Last year I didn't get a raise, and while I would understand it if few people on my team got raises due to economy... the truth is that the company I work for had good returns last year in spite of the economy. And co-workers who we have trouble convincing them that they could pull a little more weight got some pretty hefty raises.
So, figuring that I'm being un-appreciated, and not recognized by management as being a valued member of the team (just co-workers) and being that I am pretty sure I'm being set up to be missed again for raises. I've also been informed that a promotion is not going to ever be in the works if I stay where I am....
I am tired of complaining. I figured it was time I do something about it.
So.... I just applied for and got a transfer to another position in another department. It's a lateral move, but they are planning on giving me a promotion within a few months of starting and there's lots of room to go from there.
The manager is used to working with other technical people and isn't as touchy-feely/sensitive as my current manager. OMB.... I am really nervous about starting over. But thankful I get a chance to keep my benefits, seniority, etc.
I'll be getting back into development again doing a lot of what I do now but in an entirely different type of world. So, I will get a chance to keep doing design as well, but also get to improve my coding skills.... :-)
I'm still having pluerisy attacks, not as frequent as before.... but intense, none the less.
Next to last one stunk the worst - I was driving home from Iowa City with "a" after he spent the weekend with dad. On Interstate 80, I got hit by a wave of pain... tried to drive through it for the first five minutes or so; before the dizziness become overwhelming. Pulled onto an off ramp; and sat there for 20 minutes trying to decide what to do.
I broke down and called an ambulance because I couldn't sit by the freeway for hours even though I was pretty sure that there wouldn't be anything the hospital could do for me... but felt pretty desparate and uncomfortable.
***
In the meantime, there hasn't been anything exciting or fun going on in my life for a bit. I've been struggling and frustrated at work - but didn't want to spend time venting.
My mid-year review came along after two co-workers nominated me for a special recognition at work for service excellence. And I got rated barely above mediocre by my manager. Another symptom of being under appreciated. Last year I didn't get a raise, and while I would understand it if few people on my team got raises due to economy... the truth is that the company I work for had good returns last year in spite of the economy. And co-workers who we have trouble convincing them that they could pull a little more weight got some pretty hefty raises.
So, figuring that I'm being un-appreciated, and not recognized by management as being a valued member of the team (just co-workers) and being that I am pretty sure I'm being set up to be missed again for raises. I've also been informed that a promotion is not going to ever be in the works if I stay where I am....
I am tired of complaining. I figured it was time I do something about it.
So.... I just applied for and got a transfer to another position in another department. It's a lateral move, but they are planning on giving me a promotion within a few months of starting and there's lots of room to go from there.
The manager is used to working with other technical people and isn't as touchy-feely/sensitive as my current manager. OMB.... I am really nervous about starting over. But thankful I get a chance to keep my benefits, seniority, etc.
I'll be getting back into development again doing a lot of what I do now but in an entirely different type of world. So, I will get a chance to keep doing design as well, but also get to improve my coding skills.... :-)
Sunday, July 10, 2011
frustrated
Ugh .... third episode of pluerisy in three weeks. I caved about twenty minutes in and called A for help. I didn't want to go to the emergency room yet again. All they do is run tests to make sure it isn't a heart attack nor pulmonary embolism... but they will give pain killers so that I can breathe again. A accused me of becoming a druggie because I confessed to wanting to go in so the pain would stop. Of course, this was ten minutes after chewing me out because I wasn't taking the pain killers when I was pain free.
Here is how it goes down... I have been pain-free since the last bout with pluerisy, about four days. So, no sense taking pain killers if there is no pain. Went to sleep on a full stomache around 9 pm. At 1 am I was awoken from a deep sleep with this intense, can't take a regular breath kind of pain. I immediately took a pain killer and focused on getting as deep a breath as I can tolerate the pain of and trying to relax. But the pain is so intense, it feels like your lungs are on fire and someone is cutting them out of your body at the same time.
After twenty minutes, I am I utter agony and not knowing what else to do, I call A (who is at the bar) to come and help me thinking I was stuck going to the emergency room. After he yelled at me for not taking the pain killers, then accusing me of becoming an adict, he accused me of either wanting to die or making it all up because I want the drama in my life. I told him to get out. That if I couldn't stand the pain for another ten minutes I would call an ambulance instead. Thankfully, by then it the pain meds had finally started to kick in instead.
I know that 95% of his attack was because everytime he sees me like that he remembers my near-death when he was 16. But that doesn't excuse his treatment of me. I was sitting there trying to get air into my lungs, pale, shaking and barely able to walk due to pain and he is accusing me of loving the drama. Sigh.
But, truth is... it would have been mostly useless to go to the emergency room... I don't know what I expected him to do. Its not like he has a way to help me with the pain while I am waiting for the pain pills to kick in.
I will eventually find a way to forgive his behavior... he's the only family I really have other than my eight year old son. I have never felt so alone as I did when I told him to leave last night.
Add to it feeling like I am walking some sort of tightrope where I never know when I will be struck down with this again. All things considered, its good that even if there is no treatment for it that it doesn't cause any long term damage... but the intensity of the pain just drops you. Then add how hard it becomes to breath and how oxygen levels drop as a result of that... and its a pretty scary event.
I am going to call the doctor on Monday, maybe he can do some more in depth testing. Or better yet give me some coping skills for during an attack... 40 minutes of shockingly intense pain coupled with difficulty breathing ... is a REALLY long 40 minutes.
Here is how it goes down... I have been pain-free since the last bout with pluerisy, about four days. So, no sense taking pain killers if there is no pain. Went to sleep on a full stomache around 9 pm. At 1 am I was awoken from a deep sleep with this intense, can't take a regular breath kind of pain. I immediately took a pain killer and focused on getting as deep a breath as I can tolerate the pain of and trying to relax. But the pain is so intense, it feels like your lungs are on fire and someone is cutting them out of your body at the same time.
After twenty minutes, I am I utter agony and not knowing what else to do, I call A (who is at the bar) to come and help me thinking I was stuck going to the emergency room. After he yelled at me for not taking the pain killers, then accusing me of becoming an adict, he accused me of either wanting to die or making it all up because I want the drama in my life. I told him to get out. That if I couldn't stand the pain for another ten minutes I would call an ambulance instead. Thankfully, by then it the pain meds had finally started to kick in instead.
I know that 95% of his attack was because everytime he sees me like that he remembers my near-death when he was 16. But that doesn't excuse his treatment of me. I was sitting there trying to get air into my lungs, pale, shaking and barely able to walk due to pain and he is accusing me of loving the drama. Sigh.
But, truth is... it would have been mostly useless to go to the emergency room... I don't know what I expected him to do. Its not like he has a way to help me with the pain while I am waiting for the pain pills to kick in.
I will eventually find a way to forgive his behavior... he's the only family I really have other than my eight year old son. I have never felt so alone as I did when I told him to leave last night.
Add to it feeling like I am walking some sort of tightrope where I never know when I will be struck down with this again. All things considered, its good that even if there is no treatment for it that it doesn't cause any long term damage... but the intensity of the pain just drops you. Then add how hard it becomes to breath and how oxygen levels drop as a result of that... and its a pretty scary event.
I am going to call the doctor on Monday, maybe he can do some more in depth testing. Or better yet give me some coping skills for during an attack... 40 minutes of shockingly intense pain coupled with difficulty breathing ... is a REALLY long 40 minutes.
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Monday, May 30, 2011
dealing
I have two remaining debt payments to make to get to debt-free with companies. Then I owe a dear friend some repayments. Not sure she will accept cash repayments so I am trying to plan something a little more special in hopes that it will allow me to repay her for her generousity when I was literally at the end of my rope.
The last couple of years have been quite brutal, but all the cost cutting and frugality has paid off.
Next is my surgery in two weeks... I dare to dream that it will help with more than the cramping... wouldn't be amazing if in a few months not only would I be debt free but also out of pain and not feeling like a 90 yr old woman who spends her evenings and weekends in bed.
If I can get those parts of my life in order.... then maybe I can start dealing with correcting another portion of my life. My job. I am NOT calling my current job my career intentionally... sigh. The sad thing is that I enjoy what I do, when I get to do it. I have great coworkers. My coworkers respect me an feel like I am a cornerstone in our department. Which helps me maintain my confidence that I am providing a needed service. But my managers are extremely critical, shut me down and are constantly complaining about me. Every time I try to explain the processes we have developed as a team or actual issues that we need to solution for, they can't understand me. I find it really frustrating because I normally pride myself on being able to take technical information and translate it to a form that just about anyone can follow. The issue is that these two particular people don't listen to understand. They shut down early in the conversation. So basically they ask me to explain myself, then stop paying attention, then criticize me when they walk out confused. I haven't been in a place over the last two years where I could afford to take any risks with my career... so I have been doing my best at biting my tongue and grinning and bearing it.
But if my health really does improve, its time for me to find a new career path that gets me away from these idiots. I would love to find a way to do something of true value instead of pushing papers for mortgages. But I am pretty darn certain I would end up getting a drastic pay cut and I am uncomfortable even thinking about giving up my 24 days of PTO a year. Sigh. So I may end up just trying to find something else within the company first.... feed my soul with the charity knitting instead and keep the posh salary as best I can. But at least I can look for a position where the management staff aren't so idiotic as to treat one of their star performers as if they are dirt.
Am really hopeful that this surgery eases things... I hate feeling so stuck.
The last couple of years have been quite brutal, but all the cost cutting and frugality has paid off.
Next is my surgery in two weeks... I dare to dream that it will help with more than the cramping... wouldn't be amazing if in a few months not only would I be debt free but also out of pain and not feeling like a 90 yr old woman who spends her evenings and weekends in bed.
If I can get those parts of my life in order.... then maybe I can start dealing with correcting another portion of my life. My job. I am NOT calling my current job my career intentionally... sigh. The sad thing is that I enjoy what I do, when I get to do it. I have great coworkers. My coworkers respect me an feel like I am a cornerstone in our department. Which helps me maintain my confidence that I am providing a needed service. But my managers are extremely critical, shut me down and are constantly complaining about me. Every time I try to explain the processes we have developed as a team or actual issues that we need to solution for, they can't understand me. I find it really frustrating because I normally pride myself on being able to take technical information and translate it to a form that just about anyone can follow. The issue is that these two particular people don't listen to understand. They shut down early in the conversation. So basically they ask me to explain myself, then stop paying attention, then criticize me when they walk out confused. I haven't been in a place over the last two years where I could afford to take any risks with my career... so I have been doing my best at biting my tongue and grinning and bearing it.
But if my health really does improve, its time for me to find a new career path that gets me away from these idiots. I would love to find a way to do something of true value instead of pushing papers for mortgages. But I am pretty darn certain I would end up getting a drastic pay cut and I am uncomfortable even thinking about giving up my 24 days of PTO a year. Sigh. So I may end up just trying to find something else within the company first.... feed my soul with the charity knitting instead and keep the posh salary as best I can. But at least I can look for a position where the management staff aren't so idiotic as to treat one of their star performers as if they are dirt.
Am really hopeful that this surgery eases things... I hate feeling so stuck.
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Sunday, April 10, 2011
Preparing
So I was chatting with a co-worker and declaing my love for therapad heating pads for dealing with menstral cramps. Told her how I've stocked up on them and if I was smart, I should invest in the company to get some of my money back.
When it dawned on me that there won't be any more cramps in a couple of months. Its funny how mind bending the concept of life without cramps can be when your life gets scheduled around them for years.
So now I am also realizing that I need to prepare for the next stage. Since HRT has been ruled out, but at least I am off the blood thinners, I should be able to try some of the herbal options out there. I will be on thinners a couple of weeks after the surgery, but after that I should be able to experiment a bit with non Rx options as long as I do my research thoroughly first.
Can't wait.
But will be really happy when the pain is gone.
When it dawned on me that there won't be any more cramps in a couple of months. Its funny how mind bending the concept of life without cramps can be when your life gets scheduled around them for years.
So now I am also realizing that I need to prepare for the next stage. Since HRT has been ruled out, but at least I am off the blood thinners, I should be able to try some of the herbal options out there. I will be on thinners a couple of weeks after the surgery, but after that I should be able to experiment a bit with non Rx options as long as I do my research thoroughly first.
Can't wait.
But will be really happy when the pain is gone.
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