Sunday, December 31, 2006

Christmas on New Years

Mom had the flu last week and my step-dad was only a couple of days out of the hospital... so they rescheduled our family Christmas until New Years Day. "a" was at his dads for the past week-and-a-half, and with me heading to Rochester... that meant that we haven't had Christmas yet. "a" had a bit of one at dad's and I did send along some S-A-N-T-A gifts since his dad wouldn't have had much chance to do any planning for this.

But, it doesn't feel like the new year - it feels like Christmas Eve instead. "a" is upstairs going to bed with gramma; step-dad is watching a movie in the other room, and I'm catching up on emails and blogs.

I'm taking mucho-amounts of Darvacet - turns out I'm allergic to Vicodin; so I can't take it any more. So instead of taking 1-2 pills 2-3 times a day; I'm taking 2 pills, but I make sure that I wait at MINIMUM an hour before taking more... but am still taking pain killers about six times a day. Am taking sleeping pills as well since the pain usually wakes me all night long - which has helped a lot. I'm not so terribly exhausted.

Have been at the bottom of the barrel. Before I went to Mayo I had some unrelenting thoughts of ending things as I can't imagine living my life like this any more. Mayo docs want my anti-depressent upped - need to reach my regular doc to get that arranged as I hate being like this.

I still don't have news from Mayo - but I go back up on Tuesday to find out what they've found so far. The current plan is to send "a" back to his dad's on Monday night, my sister has Tuesday off, so we're driving up in the morning.... bless her heart for helping me (although mom is funding the trip). Bless mom for finally talking to me... she still doesn't think she could have ever done what I chose to do with "A", but at least now, she's letting me explain it a little. She's still in disagreement, and that's fine... but at least she's not treating me like public enemy number one.

If on Tuesday they want to run more tests, the plan is for my sister to go ahead and drive back - and I'll stay at a hotel with a shuttle to and from the clinic, and catch a bus ride home when the time comes... and we figure out what to do then. Right now, driving is out of the question - as the pain meds make me a bit loopy and I don't feel safe trying to drive more than a few blocks.

About the only thing I know for certain - is they went ahead and had me do my first mammogram (since I'd put if off while I've been sick)... and even I could see "something" in the left breast. What, I don't know as I have NO clue what I was looking at... but there's something there. They had me come back for more shots, and then more shots, and then again more shots - then they did an ultrasound - and the doctor said that "it" is nothing and I don't need to do anything other than the normal annual follow ups... kind of scary, but with nothing to know differently, I'm going to "not" worry... but do some research see what they're supposed to look like, see what something "bad" looks like, etc... and just assume that the experts are just that - experts and I can trust them until I learn something different.

I'm planning on setting up appointments with a psychologist when I'm home - how I'm going to get around and deal with things I don't know - but the docs at Mayo are willing to discuss pain management and if they at least give me a name of what I'm fighting here, at least I'll finally know how to try to fight it... and we go on from there.

Everyone has been wonderful, it's great to have so many good friends and family that I can count on... it really is a blessing.

Good Health and Happy New Years to everyone... let's hope that with the new year comes good news and better options - huh?

Friday, December 29, 2006

Waiting at Mayo

We really only sat and waited for one day before getting to see a doctor. On Thursday, we were running from appt to appt, from test to test... and even managed to get a couple of things done that weren't scheduled until Friday.

However, today we're sitting - trying to get a couple of appointments done this morning so we don't have to do them on Jan 5th or Mar 13th. As it is, we'd be sitting and waiting anyway, as I need to have my mammogram redone at 1:00.

I've been trying to talk Cindy into driving to Ikea since it's only an hour away. But her leg's bothering her, so I might cave in and save it for another time.

No matter what, we have to come back in a week for the "review" of all the information.

Good news is that they're testing different kinds of tests than anyone else. Bad news is that I don't really have a clue if we're getting anywhere or not.

So, we sit... and we sit... having the portable DVD player (my xmas gift to myself) has helped a little. I don't quite feel up to working though as my concentration is totally shot. but, eh, we do what we can do. I at least caught up with all my emails and it's quiet this week. So, off we go from here.

Saturday, December 23, 2006


Stef, I never, ever want to say mean things to you... I'm so sorry, I know that you're right and that's why I'm upset - not at you, but at myself.

I'm as close to a nervous breakdown as I've ever been... and I couldn't stand it if you were mad at me to. Please forgive me for being an *ss and taking things out on you.


Friday, December 22, 2006

Lacking communication skills

I've taken pride in what I thought were good communications skills, listening to my friends and family, taking time to explain what I mean and verify that it's clearly understood.

But, I guess, that doesn't apply as well to doctors, friends and family - as well as I thought. I need to seriously work on being able to express my needs, issues, concerns, etc.

Some of my mom being upset with me is that she thought I moved to Des Moines on a spur of a moment kind of thing. I know I've moved around a lot. Some of it with less concentration than others. I find it fairly easy to let go of some of my past and try new starts. However, I thought she was fully aware that I'd spent the entire year before my move talking about moving, talking about options (i.e., Des Moines or Cedar Rapids), trying to find an affordable house, then giving up on that trying to find an apartment that I wouldn't hate every day I was living in it.

I've been whining about my health for at least two years. And while I have had some months go by with less issues than other - I've been truly out of the game for over two years now. I can't take as good a care of the house, myself, my child - at least not to the level I want to that is. Even if the house is clean, I can guarantee, I'm still going to bed as soon as "a" does... I'm still struggling to do the basics. When I was sitting in the truck with "a" and "l" ("a"s friend) - my dear friend BOB went up to the apartment to collect a change of clothes for me and a few changes plus diapers for "a" so he can go to his fathers. The house was a complete pit. I knew it, I warned her of it... and she noticed just how bad it was. She thought that I shouldn't be able to blame this on my health issues - as I'd only been truly hurting since Monday/Tuesday. Only, that's not entirely true. I don't think she's ever been to my house when it's been even remotely picked up, let alone clean... but she first stopped by shortly after "a" was born - and anyone with a newborn who has a clean house is depriving themselves of needed sleep... but then, about a year later when things should have started to really turn around. "a" was old enough to entertain himself... I could clean after work and on weekends - and still be in bed at a decent time. But that time was only a few months. After that this whole mess started. And while I can't say my house is never a mess when I'm totally well... I can tell you that if I'm totally healthy - if it became a mess, it never stayed a mess more than a few hours after I got home. But, since she's only truly known me for the past couple of years - and I've felt like sh*t almost that entire time... she assumes that I keep the house this way because I don't want to clean it. As if I wouldn't chose to have a cleaner house if I could. I know I've whined excessively about not feeling well - but is it getting so wearing hearing me complain about it that it doesn't mean anything? She actually thought that I would have reasonably good housekeeping skills even when I've admitted to spending most evenings and days in bed. To me, that means, you lay down for 8-12 hours and don't get out of bed except as absolutely necessary. Why would anyone connect that concept to being able to keep an apartment clean from a 3-yr old level?

Admittedly, I do at least get enough done to clean up spills as they happen, just not get all the crumbs. I was upset to find that, indeed, there was dried up vomit on "a"s bed from last week... I didn't see it, it was covered with a blanket most of the week... or I would have changed the sheets. The good news is that she thought the cat had sh*t in the bed, however, those were just the raisins that "a" had dropped earlier that morning after breakfast.

And I think I also need to clarify - I do realize that my house's condition is a choice I've made, not one I've wanted to make. But it's been go to work, or clean my house - it's been collapse in the bed and not move for 12 more hours or clean my house... when I do get up to clean, I've got about ten minutes of energy out of every 30 minutes I try to clean... so I've picked my battles. But, even if it's a choice I've made, it's not one that I would continue to make if I had ANY better options. Who knows, maybe post-Rochester trip, even if I'm not better, if I get to file for bankruptcy, perhaps I can at least pay for someone to come in and pick up a few hours a week. Right now the apartment is too filthy to hire someone to come clean... but if I'm not up to it, I've got to figure out some way to get it done. It's not good to live like this.

And now, the doctors. They seem like they're listening - however, they seem to think I'm looking for something that they don't think I need.... which is really odd. Since they gave me shots of morphine, and vicadin to go... they are pretty heavy-handed with the narcotics. But, to take the time to admit me and have to run through more thorough testing to figure out what's really wrong with me seems to be everybody else's job.

The pain killers aren't working very well today. I did take a short nap - but I've also taken extra pills. I felt jittery, itchy, and feverish, but the pain was down enough I could at least start to do a little bit of laundry and dishes. Not much, but a little... but, if I'm not going to get treatment, if I'm not going to get better, how can I possibly take "a" back into a house like this? How, can I possibly provide him with quality time with me when I'm barely able to function like this? Well, I've got to grab the next load from the dryer so I can head to bed.

I guess I've rambled and sobbed enough for tonight.

And - yet another wated trip to the ER

I slept all day Wednesday - thought I was feeling a little better Thursday morning... still in a lot of pain, but up and about at least. So, I started to head into work. The nurse from the ER on Tuesday called and asked if I was still in pain - which I was. And she was very upset with me that I hadn't followed up with my regular doctor... my point is - what's the point - they don't know anything... but, she made me feel guilty about not at least trying. So, I called... they got me in immediately with an on-call doctor. Oh, wait - immediately means drive straight there and wait two hours in the office for him. Shortly after arriving (and be aware - this is post shower and geting "a" off to daycare, etc... so the most "activity" I've had in two days)... I started experiencing off the scale pains that would come and go in my chest. To the point of falling to the ground unable to walk kind of pain. I went to the hallway as soon as I was able and finally got a nurses attention. So, they brought me an ice pack - which did nothing.

They ran more tests. They ran some of the tests that they probably should have ran on Tuesday... and what did they find? Nothing - big suprise - huh?

So, here I sit in a wheel chair - unable to walk or drive, practically out of my mind in pain. And they're sending me home with a rx for vicadin. After all, if they can't figure out what's wrong - then nothing must be wrong, huh?

I call Mayo up... thinking I'd see how close I am to getting in, after all, she'd said the end of the month was highly likely and even sooner if my doctor's office called. So - I'm off of the waiting list, I have an appointment now... it's in MARCH! I asked if I could keep that appointment but go back on the waiting list, nope... they don't do that. But I could give up my guaranteed appointment in March and go back on the waiting list, only now - it's between 3 to six months... which means March at the soonest anyway.

I broke down - I chewed her out, I cried, I basically fell apart in the middle of the lobby of the hospital where I was in so much pain I couldn't walk, but wasn't getting admitted either. Bob again - my dear friend who has given so much of her time... came and got me... and we debated about what to do. In the mean time I got a call from an office mate at work - who finally figuring out what was going on between sobs suggested that I turn around and go to another hospital.

So I did... only to be given two shots of morphine (at least it helped the pain enough I could walk again)... and sent home. No heart attack, no pulmonary embolism - no reason for me to stay at the hospital.

I've sent "a" to his fathers for an indefinite amount of time. I can barely take care of myself, let alone him. Last night I took the first two vicadin at 5:30 as the morphine was wearing off, another one at 6:30 when I couldn't tell the first two were working. Two more at 7:30; two more at 9:30 and I made myself wait until after midnight for the next two. I basically sat awake crying and worrying about having no life left to save by the time I finally find a doctor who will take the time to try to help me.

This morning - I got up at 9:30 and took two pain killers first thing, another 1 at 10:30 another 2 at 11:30 and another 1 at 12:30... now I'm itching so bad I can't stand my own skin. I've taken two showers and a couple of benedryl... please, lord help me out. It's bad enough hurting this bad... but adding insult is the itch! I'm crawling out of my skin... it's terrible.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Another wasted trip to ER

Woke up feeling cold & clammy then feverish - then cold & clammy which would normally make me think I was just coming down with a cold or something - but it was accompanied by a two-ton weight on my chest. Pain was radiating to my left shoulder and down my arm, through to my back and up to the left side of my jaw.

I started to drive to work - and as it progressively got more painful - called my sister. I wanted reassurance that I didn't need to go to the hospital. She was worried, I guess jaw pain is a pretty standard problem for heart attacks for women... so she told me I should probably go and get it all checked out.

The EKG was normal (great) - but per my sister, that only detects if a part of the heart has been damaged and isn't functioning correctly - it wouldn't detect stress or issues from a possible clot passing through that isn't causing a heart attack - that I would need an echo study done for that... which they didn't do and I didn't suggest.

Then because of my history of having lung clots - they did an x-ray which I know isn't the right way to test for clots - as they rarely show up in x-rays. You need a ct-scan with contrast to find embolisms. Which they didn't run and I didn't suggest.

They did a d-dimer which I've researched and as I understand it, it commonly gives false negatives for people who have had clots in the past.

They said that a "heart sensitive enzyme" wasn't present - that's supposed to be good news and I honestly have never heard of it before.

And my INR is too low - again. Which I knew it would drop; but it dropped faster yet than it has in the past. Which may or may not be evidence that I'm clotting - it just means that it's too low to "try to prevent" clotting. This so sucks.

If I were a betting person, I'd put my money on a tiny clot passing through my heart to my lungs - and causing this problem... it feels a lot like the "pinched" nerve I thought I had prior to my clots in 04. Only a bit worse. But, then again, I got no proof... and honestly, even if I had them run all the tests that could have been ran - that they still might not find anything - after all, that's the way it's been for almost two years now.

But, I got a shot of some pain-killer that removed all worry and concern, all pain. It's worn off since, but it really did the trick. I've taken more of my regular pills since - and to be honest, will probably head home and go to bed. I had come into work - cause what's the point? It's not like there's anything wrong with me (at least according to the docs).

Oh - and they gave me guidelines as to when to tell if it's related to the heart or "atypical chest pain" which is what they declared that I have.

heart pain
  • an ache or a sharp pain (check)
  • a tingling, or burning feeling (check)
  • a pressure feeling (check)
  • pain or pressure that may go to the neck, jaw, left shoulder or both arms (check)
  • pain may worsen with physical activity (check) and get better with rest (no - not this one)
  • nausea or vomiting (check)
  • trouble breathing (check)
  • a feeling of anxiousness or nervousness (check)
  • sweating (check)
  • clammy feeling to your skin (check)
  • dizziness (check) or weakness (no -not this one either).

atypical chest pain

  • pain may feel like a stabbing or burning feeling (check)
  • pain is not regular (comes and goes) (nope)
  • pain may be in a different place in your chest at different times (nope)
  • pain may be worse at different times (well, it did get progressively worse... but it didn't vary)
  • pain is not related to rest or physical activity (nope)
  • pain does nto get better with nitroglycerin (don't know - they didn't try it)

So, supposedly, this handout was supposed to help me understand when I should go to the ER. If I have more symptoms in the heart pain list I go - otherwise, I take a pain killer. Any wonder why I went to the ER? What are the odds that this list could have helped me NOT go this time? Probably little to none. It's a complete waste of paper if it's telling me that I should go... unless they totally are screwing me over right now.

Oh, and to cover their asses - they disclose "Your symptoms and the tests we've done have NOT confirmed that your pain is related to your heart." Which means that they can't confirm that it isn't my heart either - does it?!

Still feeling pretty sucky - I'm going home and going to go lay down.

Monday, December 18, 2006

going with the flow

My INR (the # rating at which my blood is "classified")
1-2 is normal people not on any medication to prevent clotting
2-3 is where they want "most" people who are on the medication
3-5 is where they put people who still clot at 2-3
above 5 - the risk for internal bleeding, or if you get cut - the risk associated with not being able to getting it to stop bleeding, rises the higher the number goes

EVERYTHING affects this number, besides the medicine, other medicine, food, stress, amount of sleep, amount of activity, alcohol, EVERYTHING.

I'm almost always yo-yoing between too little, too much, etc... and I think part of it is that they make "big" adjustments to the dosage; which means I react "big" and drop too far; or climb too high.

When I first started out it was 6.7 - high risk, woah, back that tractor up sort of reaction. But I felt fantastic. I felt like someone had finally plugged in my recharger and while the pain wasn't gone altogether, the spells stopped and I didn't feel like I needed ten more naps.

Then it dropped down to 1.07 and then further down to 1.03 and I was back to being completely miserable, spells several times a day, and energy of a 200 yr old turtle.

When it climbed to 2.03, I dropped down to a spell a day... but still felt completely miserable.

Then it climbed to 3.07, same dosage - a couple of spells within 2-3 days... still lousy.

Then it climbed to 3.7, same dosage - no spells, a smidgen of energy... still ton of pain.

But, then it's too high - right? So, we dropped it down.

Today it's back at 2.03 - one-two spells per day, miserable. etc...

only about five more weeks left to the trial. I cannot honestly say that beign within range of 2-3 stops the spells, but >3 seems to... wonder if I'd be able to talk the doc into more trial run with it in the range of 3-4 or 3-5 without evidence of clotting. Even if it's only long enough to get the apartment cleaned?

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Now that I've had some time to digest

Work has been nuts. On Monday afternoon, I found out I needed to attend a two-full-day session meeting the following two days. Sooo.... I got most of my work done for the week that afternoon.... besides the work I did during the meetings, and then this morning, "a" woke up vomiting and with diarrhea... so I'm working from home and catching up on everything that got assigned to me while I wasn't paying any attention.

The new job is just a matter of protocol... I should be moving to a new desk out in WDM shortly after the new year. I am not sure if I'll even go to the existing office out by Hickman road, as they are moving out to Jordan Creek area around the same time... So, I might save myself the trouble and wait until then to make my move. 90% of my work is done by conference call anyway, so no biggie.

Now, about "the mess" ....

I know that I have several choices of actions that range from one extreme to another.... "prosecution" and "ignoring it". I know full well, that while I've been trying to "ignore it" that it isn't the right choice, but it was the easy choice for the time being as I just couldn't cope with anything else at the time.

I also know that based on my actions (no matter what I choose to do) that "A" has his own actions and choices that are truly going to determine how he handles things and how well he matures (or doesn't).

Knowing that prosecution may or may not help him mature and may or may not help him end up with a life a crime... means that I'd be making a VERY big step (and one, that quite truly, I'm not sure I can live with) and really not being able to predict that it would have the result that I desire.

Knowing that ignoring it may have the SAME EXACT effects, AND also knowing my own guilt tolerance, I know that I would feel like I was "allowing" the wrong thing to continue and by default almost encouraging it. I've always thought that consequences needed to be applicable and consistently applied. I've always tried to measure the consequences against the degree of the crime as well.

So, that's where I'm struggling, still. I know that the severity demands true prosecution - but I can't live with my actions if I do it. I know that I will probably settle somewhere in the in-between... so that I can say that I know I tried to do what I was able to do and if it still didn't work out.... well, so be it. That's why they have a cut-off date of when someone is supposed to be an adult and as such are responsible to the world if they continue with destructive behavior instead of just parents...

The good news is that I'm no longer burying my head in the sand and that I can honestly think about what to do now without bursting into tears. And that, at least is progress, if nothing else.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Great Interview - although I was LATE!!!!

I'm becoming my own worst enemy. I've been in and around Des Moines enough that I now think I know where stuff is. This is WAY worse that not knowing my way around. When I didn't know where stuff was, I looked it up on-line. Now that I think I know where everything is, I don't look it up, find out once I get to where I think it should be, and then find out I'm oh-so wrong... and don't have any way to look it up to figure out where I should be.

So, I mess up totally, and am 20 minutes late for a lunch interview. After I said my apologies though, the next words out of her mouth were "Please come work for my group!"... how cool is that?

They're looking to pull in someone that's a cross between business and technical, who can document as well as code... who can gather requirements and write test plans... hmmm... seem pretty ideally suited to me? Oh, and I already know everyone else in the group and like working with them... and, perhaps best of all... she likes that I'm opinionated and is ok with me speaking my mind (as she's been working with me for the past six months).

All we have to do now is work out the details, which will include hopefully a decent raise. She wasn't in a position to talk money... but by Monday, I can ask about money and hopefully write my own ticket. I'm just thrilled I got my feet in the door - you know?!

Figured I'd share some pics

Finally picked out an inexpensive digi camera - since "a" put the last one in the tub, I've been without. And, as rarely as I take pictures, it's still an annoyance. I love the convenience of toting along a digital camera and snapping candid pics here and there.

The x-mas tree? well, it went up quick & easy even if it didn't turn out so great. It's enough for now. And yes, the pic is blurry, but perhaps, it's better that way.



Here's our advant calendar... although "a" still doesn't quite get the concept... every single day he has to search every single compartment for a "goodie"... so I daren't fill them all, or the gig would be up on day one. Instead I have to sneak out every evening to put in the treasure for the next day. And hope I don't get caught... because then he'd want access to the stash!

A pic of my cutie-pie as well, although his face is dirty.

And then, a series of pictures where "a" insisted that I take pictures of his dinner... although that's not how he words things... "it's cheese my milk, mommy", etc.

Friday, December 08, 2006

Taking time to recharge my batteries - sort of

The last two days, I've done little to nothing once I've gotten home from work. I refuse to look around at the mess... I refuse to think about the issues in my life. I am just trying everything to lower my stress levels.

Today, I have a lunch Interview with my potential manager to figure out what my new job will entail and a meeting Monday morning with her boss because he has additional information he wants to make sure I'm aware of when considering the option. Neither will probably have any say in the $ amount of any raise... but we can at least discuss methods for process improvement and ideas around which to fix what's currently wrong and what they really need - long-term.

I'm taking the afternoon off as I absolutely feel like collapsing into a heap of tears. But, plan on maintaining my composure long enough to make it through lunch (I hope).

Wednesday, December 06, 2006

Stressed out to the MAX

OK - $520 is the 10% bail that I paid.

$80 to "bail" out the car (so I don't end up paying $10/day for storage).

Only to find out that there was some vandalism - someone flattened the tire... and near as I can tell, it was done before being towed, as the rim is ruined too.

We put the donut spare on it - Walmart doesn't carry rims, but will provide a free tire since I have road hazard warranty - and they can't prove it wasn't caused by something in the road. Oh, and per "A" the transmission isn't working - it won't go into reverse. So the car is supposed to be parked in the driveway at the old house. AND IT BETTER STAY THERE!

How do I convince the bank to come and repossess if they aren't at the stage to reposses yet as I'm not far enough behind in payments? I don't want it... and I won't let "A" have it... and I can't sell it with a ruined rim, and a transmission that is practically shot as "A" was doing a little too much "something" and ruined it.

"A"s a little upset that I didn't bail him out until morning. But, I told him that between having a toddler that didn't need his sleep ruined... that I thought it was a good lesson for him to learn that jail isn't a comfortable place to spend time. In the meantime, I am having nightmares almost every night where "A" is replacing Patrick and going through his "eluding police" nightmare that got him killed.

Mom spent at least half-an-hour chewing me out on the phone. She's refusing to listen to my side of things, telling me that I'm just making excuses for myself, that I'm not "defining" abuse the same way she is, and that I'm just in "Complete Denial". She said that she's basing this on what "A" has told her and the time she saw me yelling at him when he was a small child and he winced. And that my sister saw me yelling at him "cruelly" when he was around four - which I've admitted to. And then she brought up a couple of instances that quite honestly, never occurred. And when I called the police last year - she refuses to believe that "A" choked me over unplugging his pc. She's convinced that I must have been attacking him first. "A" swears "to me" - so I don't know if I believe him - that he's tried to convince her that he wasn't abused.

She's only talked to me this one time, and then said she's "tired of eternally discussing this and that she refuses to talk about it ever again.". She said that if I want to be part of the family it's up to me to "change my attitude and fix things" as she doesn't have the energy to "handle me the way I am".

Step-dad who has spent about 30% of the last month or so in the hospital with heart issues is losing weight, 36 or 38 pounds in only two weeks. I'm worried that he won't stay healthy long enough to lose the weight and lower his cholesteral so he qualifies for treatment.

"a"s pink eye is almost gone and "supposedly" no longer contagious... so he's back in school.

"a" is trying to decorate the house for Christmas, which is absolutely adorable as he explores the boxes and pulls out new treasure, but kind of a disaster as I've been working at home every spare moment I've had so that I can keep up at work... and I haven't had time to put away the things I've already got out and "on display" so there's no room for the Christmas items...

Net result?

Boxes, "treasures", packing material - everywhere you look... a couple of "trails" that are clear of clutter to get from one room to another.

And the project I'm working on right now as an assignment wants to hire me away from my current bosses. Good money and I might - but to be honest, just discussing it is kind of stressful right now.

I'm about two inches from a nervous breakdown. Enough is enough world... leave me alone for a little while.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Lost Ground

I can't sleep. "A" called past midnight... he's been arrested.

Driving with a suspended liscense, failing to get his SR-22 insurance, running a stop sign, elluding police.

A'm angry and heartbroken all at the same time.

I always knew that his defiance was unhealthy... but I thought he thought enough of himself and his goals to not get into his own way.

Like too many teens, he's become his own worst enemy.

In the morning, I'll have to get "a" to a doctor to confirm or deny the diagnosis I made this weekend of pinkeye... which will dictate if he can go to the daycare while I go bail his brother out of jail.

I know this will probably only anger my mother more towards me... but I think that him spending the night in jail might be a better lesson than being bailed out immediately. I want him to learn from his mistakes and not think that it's ok to screw around like he is.

I thought he was growing up, but alas - testosterone is not a good thing when mixed with a teenager and both his mother's and father's teenage attitude.

I can't undo what he's done... I can't undo anything I've done. I can only go forward and try to make sure the impact of this event is enough that he never, ever wants to repeat it. Since it's in the Newton Jail, I'm hoping that it isn't as bad a horror story as it could be, but enough so that real-life proves it's not the place he ever wants to go back to.

Saturday, December 02, 2006

meme, cont.

  1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought? Where are the tweezers?
  2. How much cash do you have on you? $10
  3. What’s a word that rhymes with “DOOR?” chore
  4. Favorite planet? Mars
  5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? JR (calling again, being ignored again)
  6. What is your favorite ring tone? ?? I don't know - beep-da-beep-beep
  7. What shirt are you wearing? two - t-shirt that's a bit too small covered by a fleece pull over with Mickey Mouse's outline stitched onto it. I figure I can wear it around and when I finally quit wasting time on-line I can go to Newton to load the truck and pull it off if I get too hot.
  8. Do you “label” yourself? Yep - my latest? Fatty
  9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing? Does Walmart count?
  10. Bright or Dark Room? Sun shining in through the sliding glass doors behind me
  11. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you? Awesome blogger - Supafine
  12. What does your watch look like? No watch - can't wear 'em without breaking 'em - so what's the point
  13. What were you doing at midnight last night? zonked
  14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say? hey - creative, huh? last time I talked to "the teacher" before he decided my health was more than he could handle.
  15. Where is your nearest 7-11? No idea - although there is a Caseys 100 ft from the entrance to my aparment complex and a Kum & Go across the street from the entrance
  16. What’s a word that you say a lot? does "What's that "a"?" count?
  17. Who told you he/she loved you last? "a"
  18. Last furry thing you touched? Junior, my kitty-cat
  19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days? legal, I assume... let's see - eight darvacet, five naurantin, 10 meclizine, 3 cymbalta, 3 warfarin, 3 folid acids, 3 b6, 3 b12... and that's all before noon today, plus the two days prior
  20. How many rolls of film do you need developed? film, who still uses it? Although, I DO need to buy a new camera, as I can't stand not having one... and I want one that can use either my memory stick/cards
  21. Favorite age you have been so far? anything BUT the last three years and under 18
  22. Your worst enemy? Probably me
  23. What is your current desktop picture? Firefox one that my son put on
  24. What was the last thing you said to someone? No boots on mommy's bed! (too bad it wasn't to a real cowboy)
  25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be? easy-peasy - the money... who needs to fly if you can send someone else to do it?

another meme

  1. Do you like someone? A few someones... what kind of question is this?
  2. The last song you listened to? Not sure - but it was some Doors - before I picked my little one up from daycare. He loves rock music, but the Doors aren't exactly pc - ya know?
  3. What time of day were you born? 10:46 pm - 16 minutes after the news ended... my dad (after 3 trips to the hospital with false labor) insisted on catching the end of the news - and it took 15 minutes to get to the hospital. Mom mentioned something about the nurse in the elevator afraid they wouldn't get to the top floor fast enough.
  4. What’s your favorite number? ???? hmmm - 6 for June?
  5. Where did you live in 1987? First half? - Nasty ol' trailer off of SE 14th st in Des Moines that was only 40' long and the width of a small love seat... and about five feet between trailers. Second half? Not quite as nasty a trailer on the other side of SE 14th st that was 3 bedroom and 14' wide - as I was pregnant with "A" and it WAS TIME to move into a nicer place.
  6. Are you jealous of anyone? No one specific - richer people probably
  7. Is anyone jealous of you? Not likely
  8. Where were you when 9/11 happened? Working at APAC - watching from a conference room after we first heard the news.
  9. What do you do when vending machines steal your money? If I can see the food (and it's just not falling?) a well-placed kick (or two, or three). Otherwise, nothing.
  10. Do you consider yourself kind? For the most part
  11. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be? Back of my shoulder
  12. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be? Spanish
  13. Would you move for the person you loved? Yes, if I felt that I could still support myself.
  14. Are you touchy feely? Only with my sons and the other men in my life.
  15. What’s your life motto? There's a right time and place for things. Working Hard & Playing Hard.
  16. Name three things that you have on you at all times? debit card, driver’s license, pain meds
  17. What’s your favourite town/city? to visit? Chicago
  18. What was the last thing you paid for with cash? Dinner & Entrance fee to the Des Moines Art Center Holiday Party
  19. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it? Um? not for a very, very long time.
  20. Can you change the oil on a car? Yes. Um, theoretically.
  21. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her? Haven't heard anything in about 20 years about him.
  22. How far back do you know about your ancestry? My aunt worked up my mother's side of the family - all the way back to Mayflower and before. My dad? about 3 generations back.
  23. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy? Black evening gown on my Orlando Cruise where virtually no one else dressed up.
  24. Does anything hurt on your body right now? My left leg, my left arm, the left side of my chest.
  25. Have you been burned by love? Absolutely - but not for about 18 years.

losing weight - hah!

OK- maybe I ought to take the ticker down.

I've gained about 15 pounds which takes me up past the starting point. And it's not like I've been trying lately. I've been too focused on staying healthy - which in part means eating enough to keep my stomach from getting chewed up with all the meds I'm taking (which usually means junk food as I'm not good about keeping good-for-you food at work).

I left it up thinking that it would remind me to start again when I'm ready to.

But now it just feels silly to leave it up when I'm so fat and it's so wrong.

Friday, December 01, 2006

Difference in Environment and a revelation.

This morning, as I dropped "a" off at daycare - I saw children of all skin colors, different nationalities, different first languages, different income levels, some from mixed family homes, single-parent homes, grand-parent and foster homes.

Today as I walked to get lunch along the skywalk, I saw people of various skin colors, old and young, people with different kinds of eyes (slanted, etc.), people in wheel chairs, a blind person and people with hearing aids.

And it struck me... every time I was in a large place with a lot of people, I've always felt a little bit "lost" in a crowd. Only, now I don't... I feel like a piece of the puzzle or a piece of the "blend". Everywhere I look, I see people who are different than me... And it's fine. It's a "non-issue". It's not that no one cares.... It's more that no one thinks that the differences are a problem.

As far as the day care is concerned... They treat all the children the same. As far as my employer goes - we're all unique individuals and it's not that they don't care about our differences... They "appreciate" our differences. And that's not something that happens in small towns.

People in Des Moines (or at least that I've been exposed to from daycare/work/etc.) don't ostracize anyone - for any reason. Why - because why bother - there are enough differences that you don't have to treat anyone poorly because of their differences - because EVERYONE has something that's different about them.

Maybe it'll change as "a" goes to public school - or junior high and high school where 'wearing the right clothes matters' or going to the "right" school matters -that type of thing. But the truth is that I think that it'll be BETTER than small town cliques - where there's too few people outside of the clique that you end up feeling so alone... and it's possible to be ostracized. In a bigger school, bigger town - if one group doesn't want you around - there are plenty of other groups to join - and again - it's a non-issue. You don't have to be rich and popular to be normal and well-liked.

No one treats you any differently if you have black or white skin, blue or brown eyes, not enough money or plenty of money, parents who are married, or parents who are actually grandparents, or whether your parent believes in UFOs or Ghosts... If it bugs one person, there are dozens of others that it doesn't bug - and it just doesn't matter. This is a very good thing about moving to Des Moines - and it really didn't occur to me until today how thankful I am to be living here.