Monday, August 27, 2007

Making (a little) progress

"A" was VERY upset with me... but is still talking to me. He's finally admitting to having a goal - even if it isn't a very realistic goal. But its enough for me to stop being a little (ok a lot) panicky about the possibility of him committing suicide.

He wants to try to get back together with "her". He feels that this is the only way he will be able to live a happy & healthy life. Without her, he's still committed to the plan to commit suicide.

We've agreed to disagree... I feel he can live a happy & healthy life without her, he feels the only way he can have this is with her. He has agreed to therapy as I've sold it as a "tool" for having a better relationship if we can get past our issues and learn how to communicate better... and hopefully he'll learn that manipulating not "her" but her friends & parents isn't going to be a good solution when she finds out about it. And hopefully, by then, we'll have talked some common sense into him.

He doesn't trust me and is still angry. I can live with that.

I told him that I promise not to try to get him committed... with only one exception. If I truly believe that he's reached a point where his only options are committing suicide or going into a mental ward... but that I wouldn't try to "sneak it past him.".. I said, that I knew that if he had a choice between the two, the hospital isn't his choice... but again, it would be mine, and if I can, I will pursue it at that point.

SOOOO... I'm now in on the plan to get "her" back. I'm not helping him, and I"m not going to help "direct any events"... but I am giving him a female point of view and making sure that he knows that his current actions may be mis-read as being manipulative and that there aren't many women that tolerate it.

So, we're talking a couple of times a night, and I'm hanging in there.

Complete bummer is that as stressed out as I've been between work & this. "a" was at his dad's and so I actually went out and had a couple of drinks. The bar two doors down is really kind of a nice home-y feel - without being a dive, and no one pestered me, but I talked to some of the neighbors. And I had two shots and was feeling VERY nice & relaxed when it was time to go home. But then "A" called and we spent an hour or two debating "semantics"... i.e., if "A" deserved to be tortured for screwing up in the relationship (he "cut" himself repeatedly), would he want "her" to do that as well if she messes up... and if no, then why would he think that she would want him to do it. Is it really manipulation if you're just "planting" thoughts into people and expecting them to react to those thoughts... especially when you require a lot of planning & strategy. I don't want to tell him to his face that he's being young & stupid... but five years from now I expect him to realize that that's the way he's acting right now. With age comes wisdom - well, for some of us anyway.

I've got to log in & check emails & export a file, and then I'm going to go veg in front of the tv & de-stress.

Saturday, August 25, 2007

Lack of progress

I called "A", then I stopped at his work while on the way to drop "a" off with his dad in Iowa City... then I stopped back after he got off of work to drive him home. He admitted that he's "cutting" himself again. He's got cut marks all over his chest that he's done to himself. And I don't know why norhHe flat out refused to even consider therapy. He doesn't feel that anyone can help him. I told him "What if your only other choice was a psych unit?" - When he refused to even consider the option and repeated his wish again to "just want to die in peace". I turned the car towards the hospital.

He jumped out of the moving car.

I called the police.

Since he was calm & rational when they arrived they told him that he had a choice, he could go willing with me to the hospital, or he could stay overnight with me at my house, or he could let me stay overnight with him... "so that they knew he would be safe". He agreed to the last option - then proceeded to try to make me miserable because he was so angry with me for even considering "to commit him". They told me that I needed one other "member of the family" to go with me to get a court order if I felt that he truly was in danger of hurting himself. Actually, it doesn't have to be a family member, it can be a doctor, or a counselor, or maybe even, the ex's father who also knows that he's currently unbalanced.

I knew that what I was going to do would anger him, so I'm not surprised and I'm not hurt by his actions. I am surprised that by being angry with me, he's now no longer obsessing over suicide. He even did his laundry for the first time in about three weeks, bought some cigarettes (yech), and ate something.

I'm going to try to get my sister to call him - if she ever wakes up and answers her phone... for a couple of reasons... 1) he doesn't have grandma to call like he always did in the past when he was angry with me 2) he refuses to discuss anything with me any more since I'll "use it against him" and I no longer have insight into what he's thinking or feeling 3) (and this is the naughty reason)... because having her call him to talk... will make him think I'm trying to get enough people lined up so we can get him committed... which will only make him more angry with me.

And if he's angry with me, he's not depressed and suicidal.... I hope. Which might buy me time. I need to figure out the right thing to do.

I'm pleased that he did his laundry and focused on me and "how I wronged him" over his own depression. I'm actually less concerned about him being suicidal than I was before. I'm still concerned though that he's going to continue to cope by hurting himself, and that knowing that it gets a reaction out of me, that getting "even with me" is all the more reason to do it even more.

I still want to get him into counseling, but have no clue how to convince him to do so. He thinks I'm insane for trying what I have tried. He thinks that I'm only doing this to "harass" him. He's a typical teenager who can't see beyond their own nose to realize that I've got better things to do in life than harass him for no reason. And that if I am doing it, it's only because I love him and want more for him.

I did send him a text as I figure he'll not respond to my calls, and a new text is too tempting to not read. I said "I am sorry. I love you more than you realize. I just don't know how to keep you safe."... he responded "I trusted you and you hurt me just like everyone else"... ouch... but, hopefully some day he'll realize that it was never intended to hurt him, but instead to protect him.

So - current plans are afoot to see what I can do from a distance. I do have an appointment for him at the counselors on Monday, but doubt I can drag him to it... I might just keep the appointment for myself and my stress... but might try to switch it to a woman counselor instead of a man. And I'm going to do a lot of soul searching and nosing around to see if I can figure out if he really is past the point of "dying is the only reasonable option" or not. If he continues to prove that he's thinking beyond just one day at a time, that would be perfect... if he only proves that he's incapable of coping with his situation - then I'm going to proceed with my original plan and get him committed, the last thing in the world that I want to do, with the exception of one thing - planning his funeral. If they are my only two choices, well then, I guess I do what I have to do... and hope someday he'll figure out that I really am the one who's fighting tooth and nail, for him, not against him.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Depression is a bad, bad thing!

OK - everyone is telling "A" that he's going to have to go on with his life. SHE isn't talking to him, and to be honest, he's taking it so badly, I don't blame her for not wanting to deal with him.

I'm calling him back in an hour. If he's still talking suicide we're skipping the doctor's office and heading to the psych unit to discuss committing him. I DON'T want to do this. But, he is being stubborn and refusing to listen to the fact that he has a lot to live for right now. He doesn't think he can live without HER. When, as we all know, having been there ourselves... given time, you do figure out that life works out well anyway.

Monday, August 20, 2007

"A"'s heartbreak

Well the 15 yr old lived up to her age. She broke it off with "A" and is now dating someone else. "A" got jealous of the time she was spending with this other guy; and "forbade" it which wasn't smart either. But long story short - she's done and it's over. He's absolutely completely out of things. He doesn't care what happens to him. He went about four days and barely ate anything. When he did eat, he tended to throw it up because he was so upset. He went to work and ended up passing out. Ended up in the ER for dehydration and potassium deficiency. I brought him home with me instead of having him go back to his apartment and mope all alone for several days.

We've talked about his future, about him finding something besides a woman to paste all his hopes and dreams and goals on. He's talking about ending things and about how none of it seems like it's worth "fighting" for.

We've had talks about falling in love and getting hurt, about cutting yourself off from love and being lonely, about the joys that can come from a life fully lived. I refuse to give him any relationship advice - because I totally suck at it. At this point, I'm just encouraging him to take a deeper look into what he wants and what he wants to do with his life.

In the meantime I've put him to work to help with the laundry & housekeeping. We've talked about him moving back in and what kinds of expectations we would have of each other. Most of his friends aren't in Newton any more... they've left for college now... and his job is also where his ex works and her father is his manager... so that pretty much sucks.

I'm sure he'll pull through, it's just a rough spot. And just more drama in my life, as if I didn't have enough drama in my life as it is.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Also somewhat true (at least the last line) - but I always thought I was agnostic

You Are An Atheist

God? No thanks. You're not buying into any religion.
They're all bunk to you. You rather focus on what you know is true.
You may be a passive non-believer or a rabid atheist activist.
But one thing is for sure... no one's going to make you go to church!

hmmm... fairly true - but a bit harsh on the generousity bit!

Your Values Profile


You value loyalty a fair amount.
You're loyal to your friends... to a point.
But if they cross you, you will reconsider your loyalties.
Staying true to others is important to you, but you also stay true to yourself.


You value honesty a fair amount.
You're honest when you can be, but you aren't a stickler for it.
If a little white lie will make a situation more comfortable, you'll go for it.
In the end, you mostly care about "situational integrity."


You don't really value generosity.
Your needs always come first, no matter what.
And you'll possibly help someone else out...
But only if it helps you in return.


You value humility highly.
You have the self-confidence to be happy with who you are.
And you don't need to seek praise to make yourself feel better.
You're very modest, and you're keep the drama factor low.


You value tolerance highly.
Not only do you enjoy the company of those very different from you...
You do all that you can to seek it out interesting and unique friends.
You think there are many truths in life, and you're open to many of them.