Wednesday, February 20, 2008

I know I can't kill him, I do ... really...

I am so beyond angry - I'm livid... and I need to vent before I go pick my son up, so that he doesn't get the brunt of my anger. It isn't all his fault.... I know it isn't all his fault... I just have to keep reminding myself.

"A" screwed up, yet again.

He's eligible to get his license again now, but he failed the driving test. Well, he hasn't driven for over 18 months... so we both agreed he needs to practice driving - right? So, he got a learner permit... and of course, that means he wants to drive, right?

Up until last night, I wouldn't let him borrow my car. But it's miserable cold out, and his work is across the street (but through a long winding parking lot from the apartment). So, he had to run over to 'fix' something for five minutes. Came home... all good.

Then, he gets on me about how he's not really getting any practice and he really wants to retest on Saturday... so can he borrow the car. To do what? Well, he googled a couple of car dealerships in our neighborhood and the neighboring one. Could he borrow the car to look at cars? Maybe hit the mall. I didn't want to leave the house as my little boy was running a high temp and didn't need to go out in this weather. And I can't very well leave him alone. After two hours of badgering, I finally caved.... stay in these two neighborhoods... by home early (i.e., before midnight), etc.

Well, he lied to me. He didn't want the car to go look at cars. He drove out of town -- 100 miles out of town to go see a girl he met online. GRRRR and my concern, is that she's probably an underage girl ... like 15! I just want to kill him. I do. Seriously.

I'm even more angry and livid about the fact that the car died half-way home (which is how he got caught, he had to call and admit where he was). It's about 60 miles from the nearest repair shop that can do warranty work. It's going to cost over $100 to tow it to town, I don't know if what's wrong with it or if what's wrong is even under warranty! I have to now, go rent a car and drive out there (with a still sick child, although thankfully no longer feverish) to go get him!

I know that the car breaking down isn't his fault.... but it's his fault that he lied to me to go see some girl. He took the car out of town when I explicitly told him where he was allowed to drive. AND because of this, it's going to cost a near fortune to get this all dealt with. I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY! I should have broken down and filed for bankruptcy last year when I first thought about it. We've already been foreclosed out of our home and my wages are being garnished with bills that climbed up and accumulated while I was ill for so long.

I am struggling with the idea that a) he's walking all over me and b) it's not his fault the car died. I'd still be angry with him anyway for lying to me and taking off out of town... but not as angry (and worried) as I am right now. There is no more lying to me allowed. He does not get to keep screwing me over. He was just getting his act together and then screwed me.... ok, not intentionally screwing me; walking all over me.... and the net effect is I'm screwed because the car broke down so far away.

Sunday, February 17, 2008

"A" asleep this morning

Not sure if he's praying "no hangover, please!" or "a" to stay quiet?

I do know you'd never catch him awake & praying in a million years. Just had to snap this shot off. He's too embarrased to post it on myspace... but I figured I could share it online!

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Sierra Trading Post was awesome

Thanks Phil! I got everything I needed for about $120 with a 20% off coupon code found on-line! They were having a clearance sale (and I'm not picky when it comes to some of this stuff) so I managed to save over $200. Very cool!

The only thing I'm short now is ski goggles. My friend told me that I shouldn't try to buy them online, but to pick them out and try them on. So, I'm heading out next week to try to find a pair.

"A"s working pretty hard, they are down to only two other employees, and one of them took four days off this week. Which means it was up to "A" and one other guy to cover 17 hour days 7-day weeks. Next week the employee that is working this week is taking 5-days off, which means "A" and the women who's off this week are covering a ton of hours as well. "A"s having issues finding new employees to hire, but that's not too surprising given it's a convenience store.

"a" is anxiously waiting for next week... he's been missing his dad and hasn't seen him since December. But, he's going to get to stay for at least a week, so he should have a ton of fun.

Other than that, things have been pretty quiet. I've been working on my sweater (slo-go), I've finished another washcloth and am starting another. I'm also starting a hat & scarf for the ski trip. I tried using some yarn from my stash, but about a fifth of the way through I decided it wasn't what I wanted, so I started another one with other yarn... a fifth of the way through I decided I didn't like it... picked up some yarn (alpaca blend soooo soft) and got about a quarter of the way through and decided I didn't like that yarn with that pattern.... ripped it all out again, and started another one. Now, I'm almost half-done... LOL. But, obviously, I like how it's turning out this time. So, all's good.

"A" has my camera (again), but when I get it back (again), I'm going to snap a picture of the hand-made valentine "a" made and the back of one of his art projects. He's been SO NOT into learning his letters and numbers, and when he traces the letters and numbers at school it's obvious that he's been struggling to say the least. I've just assumed it has more to do with him being a year behind with his learning and figured that I'd work with him more this summer/fall about learning his ABCs, etc. lol, he thinks the alphabet song is "ABCD... FYZ" "won't you sing with me"... that's it... that's all he sings. BUT, he can write his name, albeit with either backwards letters or his name backwards... so there's certainly a possibility he might be partly dyslexic, which would explain part of the reason he struggles so much copying letters... but it's soooo coooool. I'm very excited that he's learned more than I realized and can write his name.

Will post pics later.

Sunday, February 10, 2008

Preparing for skiing

I'm out bargain shopping for skiing items... ski pants mostly as I figure most of the other stuff I can find cheaply enough as the gloves, hat, shades can be multi-purpose... but haven't found any ski pants/snow pants for under $80 yet.

In the meantime, I'm slowly floundering along on my new 'flylady' routine. This month I continue to shine my sink as well as adding a new bigger practice (which I've failed more often than I haven't) of trying to declutter 15 minutes every day. I have done some, but certainly not every day. In the meantime I do have a cleaner kitchen & bathrooms... living room wasn't too bad until I was too lazy yesterday and "a" trashed it! But I did manage to pick up and vacuum it today - so it's not exactly a disaster zone. Both bedrooms need drastic work though, but eh, I do think it's progress to have four rooms clean simultaneously. So, so far so good!

I signed up for the virtual trainer, although haven't done a THING since. Then I'm also trying a new thing as well that's supposed to be a closet make-over. I've always said I'd love to be on the show where they throw away all your clothes and take you on a shopping trip to buy all new... this isn't that drastic, but it's probably a start in the right direction. The problem is that both the closet make-over and the flylady de-clutter program insist on not hanging onto clothes that don't fit... and I find myself really struggling to get rid of the clothes that I want to fit me.... I've gotten rid of a few, but nothing like the amount I could if I did this for real. In the meantime, my closet & dresser is overflowing with clothes that don't quite fit right! So, this is the coming challenge for me... to go through and seriously pull out the too tight clothes and take them to Goodwill. I know I can do it, I know that if I ever did get down to that size (yes, if I ever)... that I'd probably prefer newer clothes anyway... but eek! It's sooo hard.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Investigating Options

I've been investigating my options… it seems like the two proposals made by the gyno don't completely treat the endo.  But, upon investigation on-line there's a remote possibility that taking both ovaries may not kill it entirely either…. As apparently some women can produce estrogen even without their ovaries.  Rare, but possible. So, the question basically becomes to what extent do I take on risk/make modifications to deal with this given that the more severe options will have the most negative impact but have a higher rate of success (given none of them is 100%).

1) Diet - I did see an online mention on one of the web sites about the endo diet… btw this is the first site I saw where it stated that hysterectomy including ovaries isn't a 100% for sure cure. I have to watch my diet closely now (although I let in too many sweets); and do want to lose weight. I think that this option comes down to two cons…. 1) I have to make sure I am very careful and adapt it to my diet requirements for the medication I'm on (which is a big deal); 2) I have to be able to stick to it…. And that's always been tough for me. However, the pro is that I'm wanting to lose weight and if cutting back on refined sugars, etc. etc. can help on both accounts, it might be worth trying.

2) Ablation - burning the lining in the uterus… doesn't do squat for endo; but I wouldn't have such heavy cycles every two weeks; hopefully this will help reduce the Iron deficiency some; and as the gyno stated, sometimes it's the combination of all the symptoms that makes it harder to endure… given I have a lot of fibroids, unlike most patients my cycle won't stop altogether, but decreasing the flow would be a good start in the right direction. I struggle with this one. I would LOVE not to have my period anymore, but since I've got the fibroids, that's not likely to happen. But, it's a much less invasive procedure. I'm just thinking it isn't getting to the root of the problem.

3) Hysterectomy taking one ovary - per the web, if you lose one ovary, the other one takes up all the slack in producing estrogen (I thought I remembered that as the case, as my cousin had a cyst and had to lose an ovary, and it had no impact so it wasn't like estrogen dropped and she had to deal with the symptoms of estrogen withdrawal). So, although this would stop my cycle, it won't really change anything as far as endo goes. I'd still have the cramps and the other symptoms, just not the bleeding… Now, they can remove as much of the endo that they can find, but since I would still be producing estrogen, if there was any left, it could still continue to grow and expand.  Given that it won't make the endo go away on it's own, this is a pretty invasive procedure with a long recovery period just to stop the bleeding portion of the issue.

4) Hysterectomy taking both ovaries -- visited a hysterectomy website for women going through or gone through hysterectomy's… and this is the second site where I found out that even if both ovaries are taken does not mean 100% you're out of the woods with the endo. But I'm thinking that the odds you still have issues has to be pretty low! But it really bothers me that I'm considering this drastic solution knowing how horrible instant menopause can be, and then to have the risk that it still won't fix me… given how much I tend to beat all odds…. I can just imagine I'd be that half of one percent that doesn't get cured by it.

So, at this point, the thought is to try the diet and take a wait-and-see approach and keep investigating the other options. I'm going to start boring you soon with my own workout, diet, and weight tracking. I figure if it's online I'll be held more accountable for it. And since my weight hasn't budged in the past six months, I've got to start doing something to up the ante.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Gyno visit

OK - just to make sure nothing more serious was going on, they did a endometrial biopsy... very uncomfortable, but the pain passed quickly enough. Then they said I would probably spot just a little bit and left a pantyliner for me. LOL... that didn't help much. I'd bleed through it before I drove the three miles to work. But, I have maxi's in the car for just-in-case; went through two of them. Yeah, that's spotting.

Anyway she basically offered me the following... if the biopsy comes back normal, we can try an endometrial ablation, not that it would be a 100% cure, but that it might cut back the flow enough that maybe my cramping might ease up a little, which might be enough for me to get by for a while. It would be one day in the hospital procedure, and pretty quick recovery. However, if it doesn't help enough (or if the biopsy comes back with issues) then it's a hysterectomy anyway. Although she did think that there was a good chance that we could try the hysterectomy and leave one ovary. It wouldn't kill off all of the endometriosis, but enough to probably make things easier on me and not throw me into menopause. She felt that taking both ovaries would probably put me into pretty bad shape (I agree)... but like I told her, sooner or later I'm going to be hitting menopause's just how much do I suffer between now and then... and how severe the menopause will be. So, I've got a little over a week to think about my options, and she should have the results back by the middle of the month.