Sunday, March 16, 2008

Between a Rock and Hard place

Last week "A" had an absolute fit and refused to drive "a" and I to "a"s class at the YMCA. I ended up paying $12 for a taxi. He refused because he hadn't slept the night before - he was worried that he'd oversleep when he needed to be up at 5:00 am for work. I understand that he felt that "a"s class wasn't 'important' enough to bother given how tired he was. I do get that. But, "a" has been stuck in the house with an immobile mom for two weeks now. He needs the opportunity to get out, to run and play with other kids - he's got serious cabin fever.

It was IMPORTANT to me that he go, and I tried to explain that to "A". All I got was rude behavior and him locking himself into another room to avoid me.

The next day I told him that his behavior was unacceptable, it didn't matter whether he thought it was important or not... being rude and leaving me high and dry when "a" had a class was not acceptable since he'd known about the class for over a week, and it wasn't our decision that he stay out over night. He disagreed. I told him that he needed to find a new place to live in 30 days. At that point, he had done little to no dishes, not taking the garbage out, not doing laundry, not picking up after "a" - and making messes of his own. If he's not going to be helping me out when I'm hard up and unable to do it myself, what good is he. He's done a little better since. He's been picking up after himself, done about 3 loads of dishes, done two loads of laundry - still not taking out the garbage, and "a" the little mess-making machine has basically trashed the apartment.

But, "A" is my only ride. He's been taking me to my doctor's appts. He picks up groceries for me. And he's been cooking 'some' of the meals. Maybe every other night. When I'm laying in bed, he'll bring me beverages and food and take my dishes back into the kitchen when I'm done. Things I really can't do for myself easily.

But then, last night happened. He was supposed to be going to the HyVee south of here - the one we rarely go to... it's got a special on Pepsi -- which he drinks like it's going out of style. Seriously, I drink ONE CAN A DAY; and we go through a twelve-pack every THREE DAYS! That's A LOT OF PEPSI. I get a call about the time I'm wondering why he's not home yet.

THE CAR BROKE DOWN - AGAIN! HE ISN'T WHERE HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE - AGAIN! HE'S ON THE HIGHWAY TRYING TO VISIT A GIRL HE MET ONLINE - AGAIN! SHE LIVES IN A COUNTY THAT HE'S BEEN ORDERED TO NOT GO TO BY PAROLE OFFICER - AGAIN!

I CAN'T AFFORD ANOTHER CAR REPAIR BILL! I CAN'T AFFORD ANOTHER RENTAL CAR! HELL, AS IT IS I WAS HOPING TO BORROW MONEY TO PAY FOR THE PORTION OF THE DRUG I NEED FOR SURGERY THAT ISN'T COVERED BY INSURANCE. I didn't know where I was going to borrow the money. My credit score is at an all-time low! My insurance is actually awesome, but the timing for this super-expensive drug is at an all-time bad timing. I'm probably going to need around $1500 for the drug that I have to take for the surgery. Good news is that after that, everything will be covered by insurance at 80%; it's just that this drug happens to fall into a timing where I have to pay 100%; only good part of it, is that it maxes out the 100% my pay portion, and gets into the 80%; but even then.... paying 100% of the first $1000, plus 20% of the remainder, is timed at an impossible point in time for my budget. I've got NO money. The only reason I'm not overdrawn at the bank, is because they do have an inexpensive alternative to the payday cash advance... I had to borrow $300 to cover bills last week. And it's another two weeks until payday. Add a $500 garnishment every payday; daycare I have to pay for that we're not using... and a mountain of bills... and I'm basically at the end of my rope.

"A" is still out of town. He knows a few people in the area, and said he'd figure out a place to stay last night. Paid to get the car towed to the closest dealership... Guess we'll figure out on Monday exactly what's wrong with the car. I don't know how to get him home. I don't know what to do anymore! He doesn't know how he's going to get home. I don't have a way to get him home. He's supposed to work again today - but that's obviously not going to happen.

If it's bad enough... I'm going to try to convince the dealership to work with me. I know I don't have any 'credit' to get a new car with. But, the value on the SUV was around $13K without the latest breakdown. Even though I owe $16K on it!!! sob

I've only got two options that I can forsee... a) get them to agree to fix it and bill me later - ha! ha! b) sell them the car or 'trade-it-in' for a used car that's maybe not as reliable (but not a clutch, so I can drive). But, then I owe the auto finance company the difference. Which I can't pay. Big surprise. But, then I'm thinking that I'm reaching the end of my creativity... and bargaining skills. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to break down and file bankruptcy. I've put it off for two years, but I'm not sure how I would be able to postpone it anymore if I had yet another $3K debt to pay for that I can't pay for on top of the medical bills that I haven't received yet for my knee surgery.

I do have some furniture of value - not out of this world value, but some money... I can start selling it and some of the silver, dishes my grandmother left me.

Last night - I cried, and cried... and then I had a very sleepless night. At one point, I considered skipping the medicine I need for surgery. But, I'm completely aware that skipping it when I have two clotting disorders, history of PE & Stroke AND having knee surgery which on it's own is VERY HIGH RISK for clotting... that I just might be risking my life by not taking the meds. Last night, I figured that the risk might be worth it, after all... if I pass away my life insurance would straighten out my debt mess. Then again, I've probably got enough drugs around the house that if I wanted to take my life, I could.

Today, I'm more rational. Today, I'm back to being a survivor. Today, I'm going to figure out a way to use my wheeled office chair, the grabbit thing and figure out how to clean paths through my house. I've had it. I'm tired of being dependent on someone incapable of being responsible.

There are things I can do to start saving money. I can't terminate the cell phone, we're under contract. I can terminate the cable and DVR, although it will hurt. I can terminate the free long distance with medicom phone.... I'm supposed to get a blackberry at work - which I could use for the conference calls when I work from home -- which right now is really the only reason I use the home phone. The free long distance was a bonus -- it's cheaper to have phone service with mediacom than with the regular phone service without long distance. I can't terminate the internet, I need it for work. I can reduce my cell phone coverage.... and start monitoring "A"s use of it... cutting him off when it gets too high; but for the fact he does use it for work... ugh, forgot about that. Well, I could still cut him off when he's a couple of hundred minutes close to the limit; and then I'll take the phone and only answer if it's work.

So, basically, a great-big-long rant about how horrible life is and how desparately I hate the fact that I'm dependent on "A" for everything - yet he sucks at doing 90% of it - and he's still screwing me over. IT ALL SUCKS!

But, I am a survivor - I will start cleaning. Thanks to flylady, I'll work for 15 minutes, rest for 15 minutes; I'll do what I can and I should see an improvement. I may end up taking more pain meds because I'll probably screw my leg up a little more, but eh, I haven't had to take that many pain meds so far because I've been so good about keeping it up and keeping it in the splint... Like they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Kind of sick of having to be so strong. But, that's life.

1 comment:

britchik96 said...

"A" needs to be on his own. You've tried and he's taking you down with him. You're strong, and "a" needs you. For your conference calls use Skype. Download it to your PC, invest in a cheap headset (I could mail you one). It's really really cheap. And when you call 800#s it costs nothing. We don't even have a home phone. Also my understanding on cellphones is that in Iowa you only have to have your cell 4 months then the contract is voided and you pay no ETF. I wish I was closer...Call me if you need to talk.