Thursday, September 18, 2008

Still struggling with A

OK - besides everyone being ill.... I'm at the end of my rope with "A".

He has been sleeping on my couch, eating our food, and not working for far too long (as if you didn't already know). He got fired from his last job back in February - and hasn't done much since in the way of furthering himself to independence. I've battled and battled with him over getting sleep at night instead of sleeping all day (instead he plays on the internet all night); and getting job applications in. Part of the reason he wasn't "motivated" - other than he really isn't motivated - is that he had gotten into a fight in December,and there were pending legal proceedings. But, that drug on and on until he finally served the remainder of the 30 days due to a plea bargain deal in August. When he got out - we had our "bargain" that he had to agree to or I wouldn't let him come home.

My goal was to find "ways" to motivate him (since nothing else seems to work). And of course, his "way" is to do the least he has to do to keep from being penalized more than he has to. So, in his opinion, he can wait six weeks to start looking for a job. We've discussed in great lengths what its going to take to get a job and waiting until the last minute isn't an option in my mind. He's of the opinion it will "fall in his lap". Well, we all know how that doesn't work.

Well, my side of the 'bargain' didn't work either. The car he was driving; died this week.... I didn't make him get oil, I didn't realize it was without oil, but I did know it was low and should have taken the time to make sure he knew that he couldn't drive it unless it was full of oil (somehow I keep thinking he should know better, silly mom). And the car I still have a few payments left on is now worth about $100 if I can get it towed to a junk yard.

We both agreed that since I can't afford to replace the car, that it would count as his first "punishment" instead of the internet.

But, given it's been two weeks - and he's applied for one job online and no other jobs...? I'm very, very frustrated. I've been sick the past couple of days - and all he does is sleep on the couch. I want to scream and yell - even though I know it does no good. I want to break our agreement and kick him out right now, but I don't know if it's fair.

I know in my heart he's bipolar, and that he's been really depressed these last six to seven months; when he was working at the beginning of the year, he was manic - going everywhere all the time, never home, never sleeping. Now, all he does is sleep. He won't consider medication, so I've at least been trying to push counseling so that he can understand his disorder and that it's the disorder that he has to battle to get out of bed and push himself; not the fact that he's a loser (which is his belief). If he were to find a job, it would probably only just push him to the manic side, but at least then he's contributing to something other than just sleeping his life away.

I just don't know what to do to help him anymore... I have given up on the struggle I used to put forth to try to get him up in the morning when he didn't want to get up; or to try to convince him that he needs to beat the streets every day till he finds a job... he doesn't value my opinion in any of this and does what he pleases anyway. I figure its not really my job to make sure he finds a job my way - it's my job to "enable" him and if he doesn't want to do it, then I need to make peace with that - right? But, it still feels very much like failure.

No comments: