Thursday, June 04, 2009

I should know better than get my hopes up

I do NOT have hypersomnia.

I probably do NOT have symptoms from B6 toxicity.

Doesn't matter that 99% of the symptoms match my undiagnosed condition between the two conditions.

So? What's next? They want to put me on Prozac. hmmm....

At least there is a "next" - I shouldn't be so frustrated.

BUT, I'm so sick of being sick and tired... and not having any diagnosis.

My doctor is truly awesome though, at least I feel like I'm getting competent medical care now even if we're still without a diagnosis. He's really sympathetic, listens well, discussing things thoroughly and not at all like the pr*ck that I saw a couple of weeks ago - who had rather rudely suggested that I had been wasting everyone's time since it was SO obvious it was B6 toxicity; and he felt like the blood test was a waste of time (blood test came back low end of normal -- so hence, my currently getting worse should not be a result of too high levels).

I'm starting to lose feeling on my left side... sigh.

And although I don't wear heels every day, I'm still very sad that my balance issues have now driven me to only wearing flats - as heels & difficulty walking don't mix very well. My balance issues - although much less severe than a couple of years ago has become a constant companion again. At least this time (well, at least so far) I am still able to walk - albeit on flats.... sigh.

I've spoken to my supervisor - she's aware that things are going down hill... and that we may have a day at some uncertain time in the near future where I might have to work from home for an unknown amount of time. If I can't walk - then I shouldn't drive; which means I'll need to work from home. I'm hoping that it doesn't go so far this time, but there are no guarantees in life and I'm just extraordinarily lucky to work for a company where working from home will be an option.

I start seeing a counselor on Monday - "a" is having 2-3 potty accidents per day again; and I think the root of it is all the stress I'm living under and my inability to keep from passing that stress down.... from the "no, you have to get up and get dressed NOW" to the "no, you don't have time to eat breakfast, eat this cereal bar and get in the car NOW" to the "no, mommy's too tired to __________" -- fill in the blank.... just about everything falls into that category.

I figure if I can lower my stress levels, his will automatically lower as well. If that's not enough, then I might have to set him up to start counseling as well... he really doesn't have anyone to talk to besides his daddy... and his brother (who isn't very sympathetic).

"A" is still not working, and is at risk for getting a 10 to 15 day sentence in county jail for probation violation (the not working and not paying the fines part along with missing too many appointments). I don't know what it's going to take to get him to wake up and figure out that he's screwing things up worse and that he's just going to have to buckle down, take a job that he probably won't like and figure out how he can improve his fortunes from there.

My apartment is becoming a complete disaster zone - I do take time every day to pick up or do dishes or do a load of laundry, but honestly? Between the puppy who takes things out of the garbage and hides them and the child who drops things on the floor with impunity... I am SO NOT keeping up. It's gotten to the point where it's really, REALLY bothering me. But, I'm so stressed out that I can't do anything about it. While we're waiting until August (the first, best chance I have to file bankruptcy per my lawyer)... I've got a little bit of spending money that I won't have post-bankruptcy. So, I decided I was going to hire someone to come in and start cleaning to get at least the top layer of grime off.... and ... being a mom... I offered the job to "A" first. He's been out once - and he did a good job of taking it really seriously - I asked him to come out once a week and give a good, solid 4 hours of work in. He did, and it has really helped. Now, if I can keep it from degrading too much before the weekend, his next pass should get things that much more clean; and so on... I'm hoping that by August the apartment isn't going to need 4 hours a week and I can afford maybe 2 hours every two weeks or some other such smaller amount of time & cost -- and hopefully, by then, he's got a better main job and having less money from me won't be a hardship, but could perhaps give him a little money towards paying fines, and what-not. (not holding my breath, but one could hope).

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