Friday, October 23, 2009

Need details, huh?

Sun, is 35 (so a bit younger; which is something that's become a bit of a trend lately).

He's a complete geek and working for a large tech firm as a final line support person.

He's totally into wine and special beers (but I promised I wouldn't hold it against him).

He's smart & funny; and very, very straightforward (all of which I like very much).

VERY recently divorced and has his six-yr-old daughter every other week for a week and is usually on call the other week.

Totally not interested in a long-term relationship, and since neither am I, it's a pretty good match.

Very nice smile.

Good sex drive... :-)

I'll try sending his facebook id privately - as his facebook account contains a lot of private info (but also a great pic of his smile).

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Dating and the Single Parent

OK, so I've done this single parent thing for a VERY LONG time.

I've also done quite a bit of dating - admittedly on & off...

A policy I came up with after "A" got to be old enough to know anything was to NOT introduce my son to EVERYONE I went out with. If they lasted past the six week mark, then I would introduce them.

The net result was that he didn't see the parade of first-date losers, or the guys where we seemed to have a connection, but then things just don't work out. Admittedly, not everyone that he met didn't last forever... but the ones he met count less than 20 as opposed to the MANY more men that I actually dated.

The only issue that arose is something that I don't think is related to this... but instead more of a generational gap kind of thing. Is that he did assume that I was having sex with everyone I dated. And he did know there were guys that I would go out with once, but never see again. So, he got the impression that I was a bit loose. Even now, I think he struggles with the concept that you can date someone and not have sex with them... but then again, I think he would think of it more like "hanging out together" than dating. To me, hanging out is something you do with friends - not someone you'd eventually like to consider having sex with.... but again - it's probably just the changing times that give us different perceptions.

Well - I'm dating again. This time to a divorced father of one (same age as "a") - let's nickname him Sun.... and we both think that it would be great if we can all four spend time together. But, I'm not quite ready to throw out my minimum six week requirement. He's not pushing me to change it, just commenting that it would be nice for the children to be able to play together and it would be less restrictive for when we can see each other. Since he has his daughter 50% of the time, and I have "a" 95% of the time... it would make it much easier to date.

But, I have a question. He has his daughter this weekend - and "a" is at dad's. I know of a haunted house/halloween party set up for children this weekend and I think his daughter would get a kick out of it.

So, I was thinking about just telling Sun about it... so that he could take his daughter. But to be honest, I'd really like to see Sun this weekend while "a" is out of town. How bad is it that I don't want to introduce my son to him because things might not last very long; yet would be willing to meet his daughter just so I can spend time with him? Seems like it's not very fair. But then again - he doesn't have the same policy - so it's not like she's meeting his other shorter-term dating partners.

And secondly - after all the confusion "A" had as it was even though I had sheltered him from most of the men I dated... it's not like my "policy" really worked to the best benefit. Am I just being too old-fashioned? Should I loosen up and go with the flow?

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


OK.... so "a"s school sent home a note indicating that they had a confirmed case of swine flu last week. You know - the week where he had two half-days and two days at home and only one full day at school???? Yep, that week.

So, Sunday night? Guess who came down with the flu? I didn't get him tested, but according to "someone" who claims to be in the know.... it's too soon for the regular flu, and was probably also the swine flu. If so, I'd actually be thankful, glad to be done with it and have it over with.

Bad fever, achy, head-achy, and sneezing/coughing. Little stinker was miserable (and making sure I was too) for a good two days. Feeling somewhat better today, and being fever free for over 24 hours - I sent him to school. Where he threw up after lunch and had to come home anyway for a dentist appt.

Will be VERY happy when he's feeling himself again.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Kindergarden funny

Mommy - do you have any "yarn balls"?

?Yarn balls? -- "Do you mean a ball of yarn?"

"Yes, a yarn ball" (snicker)

"Why do you want a ball of yarn?"

"Because cats LOVE yarn balls. It's like their job to play with a yarn ball. Can I have one please?"

"Well, you're in luck. I happen to have LOTS and LOTS of balls of yarn."

--- I fetch a small one of scrap yarn....

"MOMMY! MOMMY! I didn't know puppies liked yarn balls. Make Kyra stop stealing the yarn ball away from the kitty."

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Kindergarten Funny

"A" was teasing "a" about how clean his bedroom was and how he just might move home and take over the nice bedroom... and "a" could sleep outside.

"a" was having none of it. He wanted a sign on his door... only he doesn't know how to spell. So he asked "A" to help him. "A" was a good big brother and helped his kid brother spell out the following:

no "A" allowed
this is "a"s bedroom

Monday, October 12, 2009

Things are still going quite well

I'm feeling great! And can't believe I just typed that. I'm not "healthy" by far, but I am far healthier than I could have ever imagined just a few weeks ago.

I spent four hours of heavy-duty scrubbing and cleaning on Saturday. Quite honestly, even on my best days in the past few years, if I'd spent even an hour of that - I would have paid for it with four days in bed. And, on Sunday, I woke up and felt fine and did a couple of more hours. Plus started exercising again.!!!!

Can you believe it?! I don't think I quite believe it yet myself. I'm thinking I should get in to see my doctor... that he won't believe it until he sees it either.

Still some intermittent numbness along with chronic pain... but the crushing fatigue is reduced down to a merely slightly tired.... HUGE improvement! Just HUGE.

BTW it's freaking cold out - in the 30's today. Brrrrr - I wasn't ready for this.

Took "a" to school today - no crossing guards at their stations... hmmm??? I didn't think they got Columbus day off at school, drove around the corner because it was obvious no school and finally realized that the sign (neatly hidden by bushes) says - 12 No School.... sigh. Couldn't they put something like that near the top of their sign???

Good thing I didn't drop him off, huh?

Friday, October 09, 2009

Progress - lots of it

I have to admit, I was still pretty skeptical about adding more b12. I was just sure the results would just be temporary, that it really wasn't the problem. And, it still might not be. BUT? After almost a week of adding more b12 to my body? I can't deny that it isn't a big part of the solution.

It's wonderful... I can hardly put into words the differences I've experienced over the past week. I'm going to try because I think the healing process is far more fun story than all the posts about misery... the funny thing is that it's hard to "trust" the healing.

So - for example. Every single morning I would wake up completely exhausted and it would take a good hour for me to be able to completely control my body physically to the point where I could convince myself to get out of bed. If I tried to get out of bed sooner - my hands/arms would shake violently, if I tried to walk I would stumble and weave about like someone who had had too much to drink. My mind would be completely incapable of following through with any one task through to completion - example, I could open the door and attach Kyra's leash, but I wouldn't necessarily remember to shut the door behind her, let her back in, clean up the waste, etc. I would walk to the bathroom to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and have five other detours that would happen enroute even though my only true goal was to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth.

Now? I'm still oversleeping some - but once my alarm goes off I am awake and able to get out of bed and do the tasks I need to do. I wake up tired, but it feels more like I just haven't gotten enough sleep just yet (like I need to do some catching up) as opposed to being completely exhausted. The trembling is completely gone as is the drunken walking.

I'd lost about 25% of the feeling on my right side and 10% of the feeling on my left side and was having trouble with sensing heat/cold/etc. Showers were miserable because the water was always too cool. Now, other than a couple of small patches, all the feeling has been returned. My shower water is now almost too hot - which is that I can feel all the heat and actually have to turn down the temperature as a result. Funny thing about getting the feeling back is that I actually notice the feeling of the cloth against my skin now and it's almost distracting (although entirely welcome).

Problems with chronic pain continue. In fact, I was in severe whole-body-aching on Wednesday. Supposedly b12 helps with toxin elimination and the symptoms I was experiencing is similar to the symptoms that were declared as possible in the past cleanse I did a few weeks ago. So, I'm going to rack it up as part of the healing process and hope it doesn't come back often.

My once-daily headaches are completely gone.

My energy level is back - but it's kind of weird. I've spent a large part of the past three years debating EVERY SINGLE little task that I needed to do. Which was more important? For every single thing I did, there was a penalty associated with doing it. A cost. Out of 20 things I really wanted to do on a given day, I knew that I would only have energy for five of them... so I spent a lot of time deciding which five things were going to get handled that day and knowing that the penalty of doing all five was that I would be down for the count by 6:00 pm. I'm really struggling with this (which seems really odd to me)... because now that I have 20 things to do and I should probably have plenty of energy to do 10 of them... suddenly I'm not sure which things to do. I am scared to death that if I try to do too many tasks that I'll be right back where I started from. It's like a mental block is in place preventing me from going back to the old mindset of you take care of as much as you can, and if you do too much, you just do a little less the next day... seems like I should be able to overcome this pretty easily... however, I'm not there yet.

I've decided to cut myself some slack, since we're only a week into this and give myself time to adjust, but I feel guilty that I'm not tackling the mountain of tasks I need to do. I am knitting a Christmas Stocking for a United Way fundraiser and it's due in a couple of weeks (and I've got my own goal of finishing it a week sooner)... so I'm sitting still a lot and knitting. It's as if I think that saving this newly found energy will benefit me in some way. Not sure that it makes any sense at all to do so... as the more active you get, the more endorphins you tend to create and the more energy you get. However, for the past four years none of that would apply to me. So, I just don't trust it yet now that I think I'm starting to get better. Very weird.... I wonder if that's part of the healing process to go through the mental change needed to take advantage of the new energy and trust that things will work the way they are expected to.

I was having episodes where my ankle and/or wrists would completely lose all strength - mostly only a problem if I was walking and/or trying to support my weight with my hands. All of which is completely not a symptom any more.

I had trouble with a burning, stabbing pain on my tongue which was making it hard to talk - completely gone.

Dizziness? I was dizzy 24-7. Completely gone - no longer do I have to periodically close my eyes when walking down a hall where the art work was in wave patterns and used to make me nearly vomit.

Burning, watery eyes? I used to have to pull my car over to a complete stop because my eyes would suddently hurt so badly and would be pouring out tears to the point where I couldn't keeep my eyes open and couldn't see to drive. Stopped completely.

Chest pain? Still have some pressure ... but it's pressure not someone is stabbing me chest pain, grab my chest in pain kind of pain.

Irritability and shortness? I've started sing-songing to Alex again and we went to the park together the other night just "because". Picked up ice cream because he'd had a bad day and I thought it would be a nice treat even though he hadn't had dinner yet. Now, this might not be all good... as I find that the things that really used to tick me off suddenly aren't any more... which maybe isn't the right parental behavior yet... but I didn't feel all that angry even after he'd written on the lcd tv with sharpie marker. I simply got out the windex wipes to see if they would work, and they sure did. So, there was no point in getting more angry than simply to tell Alex not to EVER do it again unless he was willing to give up watching tv for a month.

I just feel like I'm living a completely new life. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck with the old bills and the messy house from not being well for a couple of years along with a child who is used to being able to get away with things... but we can fix that if I am really on the road to recovery.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Hmmm ... do I dare get my hopes up again?

I went to a new nuerologist... wanted to discuss the fact that I had so many symptoms of MS but other than an MRI, there hasn't been anyone who wanted to seriously discuss why it wasn't MS in the past.

Big waste of time and money. He actually told me a) I have too many MS symptoms for it to be MS (which sounds pretty fishy to me) b) a clean MRI means no MS in his opinion (which sort of stopped me short - because if it's his opinion, it doesn't matter that I found multiple online sites that indicate that people can receive benefit from treatment even if MRIs were clean - facts are arguable, opinions are just that - opinions)..... and c) that it was probably a somatoform disorder... which is a fancy name for the condition they used to diagnose around a hundred years ago as hysteria... after all if a woman is complaining of poor health and you can't figure out what it is, it must be psychological. He REFUSED to consider any treatment for my symptoms unless I agreed to a psychiatric examination.

UMMM... I agreed at the time, because I don't have anything against psychology -- doesn't really matter if I think he's off his rockers if he thinks this is all in my head; more as a goad to want to prove him wrong.... but then again? What a waste of time and money!!!

ANYWAY - I went online to my support groups that I still visit a lot about clotting; and one of the women on there was venting about the fact that there are still patients getting put on an antidepressent for menopause symptoms... well, at least you don't feel bad that you're feeling unwell... right? So, I couldn't help responding... I typed up pretty much the first three paragraphs of this blog post - and mentioned that to date the only medication they have me on for my undiagnosed illness is an antidepressent... which comes first, the feeling ill and being treated like there's something psychotic about you or being depressed and then getting ill? UMMM I think the first is true... its depressing to get that 'look' - the look that's stating that you're just a hypochondriac because you're trying to fight for your own health... being proactive and not just sitting at home continously getting ill.

Guess what? She brought back up the B12 deficiency... because of my repeating the statement that bears repeating - "I have too many MS symptoms for it to be MS"... I believe I do have b12 deficiency, many family members have been diagnosed with it, however, I'm taking b12 and my test results are now normal... BUT, she had one sentence in her short email (wish I knew how to get to the point that quickly, don't you??).... "Most patients with normal test levels can still suffer symptoms until their dosage is increased and that most practitioners in the US are under-treating this condition".... hmmm... I investigated and found multiple studies online.

There might be some truth to this. But, I responded back - the specialists already think I'm nuts... how am I going to convince my doctors that they shouldn't trust test results for my treatment. Seems a little off.... and I'm already getting the 'look'.

And then I did some more searching. Its IMPOSSIBLE to get too much B12 in your system, there isn't any risk with taking more B12... you could take 1000 times the regular dose with no negative impact (not that I would)... and I got to thinking. Hmmm... I don't have to tell the doctor... as long as I don't go crazy and over do.

So, unfortunately, I'm almost out of B12 supplements. But, I did take 3 on Saturday, and since I'm almost out, only 1 on Sunday.

This morning when I woke up? I've recovered almost ALL of the feeling on both my left and right sides. Still a few numb patches and still some periods of increased numbness... BUT I regained A LOT OF FEELING!!!! woohoo!!!

So, without discussion with my doctor, my plan is to gradually increase my dosage over the next month and see how I feel. If I'm feeling like I do today, I'm going to shove the psychologist up the nuerologists *ss and let them tell me it's all in their head. Well, not really, but wow! I'm almost in tears.

Did you know that the Japanese standardly start their treatment out at 10 times a higher dosage than is common in the US and that the US is notoriously bad at diagnosing and treating this condition. Did you know that as this condition worsens, it causes MS lesions in the brain (which at least maybe I would finally have gotten put on MS medications, far too late, and probably with little effect)... Did you know it can also cause pernicious anemia - which can be fatal if not aggressively treated? I was at the bare minimum dosage... and then told that the fact that I wasn't feeling well was due to psychological trauma I incurred as a child. Bull cr*p.

Not all my symptoms are gone, and maybe, this isn't the answer to my prayers. But, it is helping. And if I find out that there are other things that it doesn't help, well maybe then.... they might find a single condition that was being exasperated and impossible to find because of all the B12 deficiency symptoms. I would really HATE to get my hopes up again... but my head is already starting to clear; I can feel the coldness of a breeze on my face again, the feel of my son's hair when I touch the top of his head.... I'm already pleased, and it's been only 48 hours.... only 48 hours after FOUR years of virtual misery. There is hope.... there is.... it's a scared it's going to get dashed and slaughtered little sliver of a thing, but it exists.