Friday, October 09, 2009

Progress - lots of it

I have to admit, I was still pretty skeptical about adding more b12. I was just sure the results would just be temporary, that it really wasn't the problem. And, it still might not be. BUT? After almost a week of adding more b12 to my body? I can't deny that it isn't a big part of the solution.

It's wonderful... I can hardly put into words the differences I've experienced over the past week. I'm going to try because I think the healing process is far more fun story than all the posts about misery... the funny thing is that it's hard to "trust" the healing.

So - for example. Every single morning I would wake up completely exhausted and it would take a good hour for me to be able to completely control my body physically to the point where I could convince myself to get out of bed. If I tried to get out of bed sooner - my hands/arms would shake violently, if I tried to walk I would stumble and weave about like someone who had had too much to drink. My mind would be completely incapable of following through with any one task through to completion - example, I could open the door and attach Kyra's leash, but I wouldn't necessarily remember to shut the door behind her, let her back in, clean up the waste, etc. I would walk to the bathroom to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth and have five other detours that would happen enroute even though my only true goal was to go to the bathroom and brush my teeth.

Now? I'm still oversleeping some - but once my alarm goes off I am awake and able to get out of bed and do the tasks I need to do. I wake up tired, but it feels more like I just haven't gotten enough sleep just yet (like I need to do some catching up) as opposed to being completely exhausted. The trembling is completely gone as is the drunken walking.

I'd lost about 25% of the feeling on my right side and 10% of the feeling on my left side and was having trouble with sensing heat/cold/etc. Showers were miserable because the water was always too cool. Now, other than a couple of small patches, all the feeling has been returned. My shower water is now almost too hot - which is that I can feel all the heat and actually have to turn down the temperature as a result. Funny thing about getting the feeling back is that I actually notice the feeling of the cloth against my skin now and it's almost distracting (although entirely welcome).

Problems with chronic pain continue. In fact, I was in severe whole-body-aching on Wednesday. Supposedly b12 helps with toxin elimination and the symptoms I was experiencing is similar to the symptoms that were declared as possible in the past cleanse I did a few weeks ago. So, I'm going to rack it up as part of the healing process and hope it doesn't come back often.

My once-daily headaches are completely gone.

My energy level is back - but it's kind of weird. I've spent a large part of the past three years debating EVERY SINGLE little task that I needed to do. Which was more important? For every single thing I did, there was a penalty associated with doing it. A cost. Out of 20 things I really wanted to do on a given day, I knew that I would only have energy for five of them... so I spent a lot of time deciding which five things were going to get handled that day and knowing that the penalty of doing all five was that I would be down for the count by 6:00 pm. I'm really struggling with this (which seems really odd to me)... because now that I have 20 things to do and I should probably have plenty of energy to do 10 of them... suddenly I'm not sure which things to do. I am scared to death that if I try to do too many tasks that I'll be right back where I started from. It's like a mental block is in place preventing me from going back to the old mindset of you take care of as much as you can, and if you do too much, you just do a little less the next day... seems like I should be able to overcome this pretty easily... however, I'm not there yet.

I've decided to cut myself some slack, since we're only a week into this and give myself time to adjust, but I feel guilty that I'm not tackling the mountain of tasks I need to do. I am knitting a Christmas Stocking for a United Way fundraiser and it's due in a couple of weeks (and I've got my own goal of finishing it a week sooner)... so I'm sitting still a lot and knitting. It's as if I think that saving this newly found energy will benefit me in some way. Not sure that it makes any sense at all to do so... as the more active you get, the more endorphins you tend to create and the more energy you get. However, for the past four years none of that would apply to me. So, I just don't trust it yet now that I think I'm starting to get better. Very weird.... I wonder if that's part of the healing process to go through the mental change needed to take advantage of the new energy and trust that things will work the way they are expected to.

I was having episodes where my ankle and/or wrists would completely lose all strength - mostly only a problem if I was walking and/or trying to support my weight with my hands. All of which is completely not a symptom any more.

I had trouble with a burning, stabbing pain on my tongue which was making it hard to talk - completely gone.

Dizziness? I was dizzy 24-7. Completely gone - no longer do I have to periodically close my eyes when walking down a hall where the art work was in wave patterns and used to make me nearly vomit.

Burning, watery eyes? I used to have to pull my car over to a complete stop because my eyes would suddently hurt so badly and would be pouring out tears to the point where I couldn't keeep my eyes open and couldn't see to drive. Stopped completely.

Chest pain? Still have some pressure ... but it's pressure not someone is stabbing me chest pain, grab my chest in pain kind of pain.

Irritability and shortness? I've started sing-songing to Alex again and we went to the park together the other night just "because". Picked up ice cream because he'd had a bad day and I thought it would be a nice treat even though he hadn't had dinner yet. Now, this might not be all good... as I find that the things that really used to tick me off suddenly aren't any more... which maybe isn't the right parental behavior yet... but I didn't feel all that angry even after he'd written on the lcd tv with sharpie marker. I simply got out the windex wipes to see if they would work, and they sure did. So, there was no point in getting more angry than simply to tell Alex not to EVER do it again unless he was willing to give up watching tv for a month.

I just feel like I'm living a completely new life. Unfortunately, I'm still stuck with the old bills and the messy house from not being well for a couple of years along with a child who is used to being able to get away with things... but we can fix that if I am really on the road to recovery.

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