Monday, September 27, 2010

Struggling

So, part of my coping strategy last week - was I took a couple of PTO days at the end of the week. I thought by spending some time alone in the house (a in school; A at work) that maybe I could just veg out a bit, knit a LOT and get a better attitude.

Nope.

Today stunk. Really, really stunk. I'm spending 80% of my work day in meetings where I really couldn't care less. No really. It's next to impossible to care less because I don't care about the call. I don't care about the information I'm supposed to be getting out of the call. I'm barely listening.

I got irritated this morning when I couldn't find the remote. I mean, the tv has been busted for SEVEN years where you have to use a remote and today I wanted to pitch it out the window.

I got irritated that the bus driver didn't just drive into the parking lot (odds were she didn't even see us) but parked on the street because she'd come early and instead of blocking traffic while she waits for us; she waits on the street. ... so it's not like she isn't being ultra polite by doing it. It's stupid to get irritated by it.

I got irritated at work when I booted up my pc and it had to go through the hard drive scan (which it does once a week - every week). But, it ticked me off because I didn't get all the files I'd loaded to the pc deleted (before realizing it was a waste of time to have them) which means that it takes 12 hours to scan my hard drive instead of 2; and every time I try to delete a bunch I keep getting errors - and have to mess around with it for hours; and then usually run into other things that I need to do; so I never quite get to the point where I get enough files deleted that it does me any good. Sigh.

About every five minutes all I can think about is quitting my job - which is positively the most stupid, irresponsible thing I can do. And it's starting to show. A couple of people have said something to my boss; who has said something to me now. I told her I was struggling with a bad attitude and that I had hoped a long weekend would help. (it didn't).

I've tried chocolate therapy. I've tried knitting more. It's not helping.

But, since I'm not independently wealthy and I need my job; I need to figure out how to keep my bad attitude from showing. So far? Nothing that usually helps me turn my attitude around is really helping. I'm trying REALLY REALLY hard not to speak in any meetings, not to write up any emails... only the bare minimum. I may have to resort to having someone else edit my emails before I send them if things don't get better.

I'm kind of feeling lost about the whole thing - because I've had bad attitudes before; and usually? One good nights sleep or one day of mental-health PTO day - and I'm usually right back on track. Admittedly, I don't spend too much time being miss happy-go-lucky; but usually I can see the positive side of things and it's ok. Now though? I just spend most every minute of every day wishing I wasn't where I am (that includes work and home) but not having a better place that I want to go.

I feel "stuck". This is what drives guys to buy sports cars - I'm sure of it!

Friday, September 24, 2010

At least this time, It hasn't been three months since my last post!

I feel like I'm in the middle of a mid-life crisis.

I'm struggling with the "point" of going to work to earn my paycheck - doing what I do. I mean, I get it. The paycheck pays my bills (well, at least it's trying to) - keeps a roof over my head; keeps food in our stomachs; keeps the heat on.

But, I'm spending 8-10 hours a day making sure mortgage documents are populated accurately. How does that REALLY benefit mankind? I'm not feeding the hungry. I'm not growing food. I'm not clothing the poor; educating the youth; putting out fires; protecting citizens. I'm making sure that the computer programs that feed & produce documents are accurate.

And, even then... I'm donating money to charity; I'm making hats, mittens, scarves, and baby blankets and donating those to charity. So, why do I feel so "un-fulfilled"?

I've got debt up to my eyebrows and as a single mom supporting both sons... I can't afford to take off from my job on some whim to find a more fulfilling role in society (that won't pay even a third what I make now). I don't even have the skills to take any position that would be more likely to do so - even.

Two weeks ago, I left work early one day because my filters were broken (not feeling well + PMS + mid-life crisis mindgame - bad combination). Went home. Felt a bit better the next day. Monday came around and I dreaded walking in. Spent the first three days in the week with a completely terrible attitude (which at least my filters were on... and I kept most of it to myself). Thursday & Friday were a bit better, not great, but so-so. Monday this week came around and it was ten times worse than the week before.

I LOVE the work I do - I do. I basically get to solve puzzles. Twist the data until you figure out what you really need it to do for you and get it to work. Where else can I do mentally challenging work like this AND make the kind of money I do? Not many places. But if we were to go through a semi-apocolyptic event? What good will any of my skills and life experience be? It won't matter that this form or that form printed in the state of California loans and when the LTV was equal to 80.000 and not 80.

sigh.

I'm debating trying to find a way to donate some time on a regular basis that can be USEFUL instead of pointless. Am hoping that will get me out of my funk.