Friday, September 24, 2010

At least this time, It hasn't been three months since my last post!

I feel like I'm in the middle of a mid-life crisis.

I'm struggling with the "point" of going to work to earn my paycheck - doing what I do. I mean, I get it. The paycheck pays my bills (well, at least it's trying to) - keeps a roof over my head; keeps food in our stomachs; keeps the heat on.

But, I'm spending 8-10 hours a day making sure mortgage documents are populated accurately. How does that REALLY benefit mankind? I'm not feeding the hungry. I'm not growing food. I'm not clothing the poor; educating the youth; putting out fires; protecting citizens. I'm making sure that the computer programs that feed & produce documents are accurate.

And, even then... I'm donating money to charity; I'm making hats, mittens, scarves, and baby blankets and donating those to charity. So, why do I feel so "un-fulfilled"?

I've got debt up to my eyebrows and as a single mom supporting both sons... I can't afford to take off from my job on some whim to find a more fulfilling role in society (that won't pay even a third what I make now). I don't even have the skills to take any position that would be more likely to do so - even.

Two weeks ago, I left work early one day because my filters were broken (not feeling well + PMS + mid-life crisis mindgame - bad combination). Went home. Felt a bit better the next day. Monday came around and I dreaded walking in. Spent the first three days in the week with a completely terrible attitude (which at least my filters were on... and I kept most of it to myself). Thursday & Friday were a bit better, not great, but so-so. Monday this week came around and it was ten times worse than the week before.

I LOVE the work I do - I do. I basically get to solve puzzles. Twist the data until you figure out what you really need it to do for you and get it to work. Where else can I do mentally challenging work like this AND make the kind of money I do? Not many places. But if we were to go through a semi-apocolyptic event? What good will any of my skills and life experience be? It won't matter that this form or that form printed in the state of California loans and when the LTV was equal to 80.000 and not 80.

sigh.

I'm debating trying to find a way to donate some time on a regular basis that can be USEFUL instead of pointless. Am hoping that will get me out of my funk.

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