Monday, May 21, 2012

Fear

I am really scared. Less than a month ago, if I had spent a solid hour cleaning, I would have ended up bedridden for a week. I would often spend a Saturday where I would work for ten minutes, rest for an hour and repeat. If I did that, I would spend Sunday in bed recuperating, and would often still be limping on Monday at work because I had over done things.


I feel so much better now. But I am extremely afraid that if I overdo things now, that I won't feel well. And I will never feel well again. While I am 75% convinced that it wouldn't happen like that... I am still taking my time to slowly work my way back to normal.


I am up to working on chores for between twenty minutes to thirty minutes at a shot. And unlike before, I am not watching the clock the entire time fighting the urge to go lay down. When I do get tired, its the good kind of tired, and amazingly... after a good nights sleep, I wake up feeling better than when I went to bed.


I am just so happy to feel better, but I guess its almost like I don't really believe it yet and I am just waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under my feet and the universe to laugh and say "haha, just kidding."


Sillyness, I know. But the fear is very real.


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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

B12 injections are Life Changing!

Seriously.

OMG.

You cannot believe how much better I have felt over the past two weeks.

I've gone from being afraid to hope for any improvement; to being moderately impressed; to being out-and-out dumfounded by how much this has helped me.

The bone-deep, exhaustion is completely gone.

I still get tired; but when I get tired - I rest and then - voila, I am no longer tired. OMG! I can take a shower without needing a nap afterwards!  I can go for a walk with the dog and I come back feeling refreshed instead of needing to lie down for a good 15 minutes afterwards!

But, now I'm scared. I'm scared to overdo things and end up where I started. I'm scared that if I try to do too much I won't feel well again and that the next shot won't fix it.

I have YEARS worth of housecleaning to catch up on. And I'm taking it slowly. On weeknights, I'm only doing about 10 - 20 minutes worth of 'catching up' on top of my normal level of effort (which was literally about 10 minutes a day). On weekends, I'm only doing about 30 minutes worth of 'catching up' on top of my normal level of effort each day (which was around 20 minutes to an hour a day). 

I've lived for the past six years with the knowledge that if I overdo things, that I won't be able to get my work done or I would be stuck in bed because I overdid things.

And I'm scared to death that if I overdo things now that I'll be stuck back in the disasterous situation I just pulled myself out of.

I figure I'll work my way up to my old ways slowly. Hopefully by the end of May I can double my effort on a daily basis. And maybe - by the end of June I can actually devote four or five hours each weekend to catching up?  I figure the house/apartment has been this much of a disaster for this long, taking my time and not risking overdoing things won't kill us. If I'm really better - then it will still get done.

And then - can you believe this? Maybe by August or September I can start thinking about working out at a gym again?!

I'm so excited, but so scared that it won't last.... that I feel almost 'stuck'. Hopefully by working through it gradually I can figure out what level of effort I can maintain and figure out what my new 'normal' is and lose some of that fear.

Friday, May 11, 2012

Sore today

It's been a bit of a rough week. After all my excitement getting B12 shots (which are LIFE CHANGING!); I found a massive lump in my right breast. It's a complex cyst with debris. (Third mammogram this year and an ultrasound to confirm) Original plan was to let nature take its course and if it didn't get any larger or get sore - just let it be and/or hopefully go away on it's own. It got sore. I got irritated and decided I needed to go in. I (sort of) regret going in. They aspirated it yesterday and it really hurts today. BUT hopefully by tomorrow it shouldn't hurt as much and within a day or two the pain should be mostly gone. Still have a lump the size of a chicken egg in my breast though. And while things could have been SO MUCH WORSE and I should be thankful that all it is, is a harmless cyst. I still would prefer not going through all of it.