Monday, May 21, 2012

Fear

I am really scared. Less than a month ago, if I had spent a solid hour cleaning, I would have ended up bedridden for a week. I would often spend a Saturday where I would work for ten minutes, rest for an hour and repeat. If I did that, I would spend Sunday in bed recuperating, and would often still be limping on Monday at work because I had over done things.


I feel so much better now. But I am extremely afraid that if I overdo things now, that I won't feel well. And I will never feel well again. While I am 75% convinced that it wouldn't happen like that... I am still taking my time to slowly work my way back to normal.


I am up to working on chores for between twenty minutes to thirty minutes at a shot. And unlike before, I am not watching the clock the entire time fighting the urge to go lay down. When I do get tired, its the good kind of tired, and amazingly... after a good nights sleep, I wake up feeling better than when I went to bed.


I am just so happy to feel better, but I guess its almost like I don't really believe it yet and I am just waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under my feet and the universe to laugh and say "haha, just kidding."


Sillyness, I know. But the fear is very real.


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